Game Day Six Pack: Aspiring To Be the Cleveland Spiders

Let’s not mince words here. The Astros stink. I mean, they’re really bad. Cleveland Spiders 1890s bad. Yet somehow, you just know they’re going to find a way to throw a monkey wrench into our well-crafted miracle comeback plans.Every year it seems, Houston is a house of horrors for the Phillies. They always seem to play their worst baseball when they enter the Lonestar State. But this year, the Astros may be SO horrifically bad, the Phillies could sweep the four-game series by default.

Put simply, the Astros lineup consists of about three or four Michael Martinezes on a nightly basis.

To give us a glimpse into the exact amount of suckitude we will witness this weekend are the good folks at Astros Country.

Even in our best seasons, the Astros have a history of being un-cooperatively competent in a four-game series.  With the Phillies position being somewhat weakened this year, what sort of stupid thing do the Astros have planned?

The Astros just might screw up and win a couple of games. The last few Septembers haven’t been kind to the Phillies in regard to Houston. Since 2010, the Phillies are 3-8 against the Astros. Of course, 2010 and 2011 were a couple of levels of hell above where the Astros are in 2012 (in the present-tense, anyway). The Astros have won five whole games in September – and while I realize that the Phillies have won five games in the last four hours, that’s a pretty big deal for us since the Astros won five games from June 28-August 10. And eight games in all of July and August, combined. So pardon me if I don’t get all up on your cute little #WildCardFever hashtag.

ESPN recently decided that the Astros have hit rock bottom.  I assumed this was some clever pun about being swept by the Rockies or something.  Instead, it indicated that losing their fans for what may be years to come is as low as the team can drop.  Is this at all accurate?  And if so, how long will it be that way?

For some fans, sure. Even in their first years as the Colt .45s, they hadn’t lost 100 games. They’re going to lose 100 for the second straight season, and are about to move to the AL West. Combine that with the fact that the Texans (switching sports, I know) are tabbed to make a Super Bowl run, and the Rangers are annoyingly good, some weak-minded former Astros fans might find themselves looking to do anything except watch or attend an Astros game. It’s going to take some time for them to come back. Houston doesn’t have a great reputation for supporting a losing team. Until they beat the Rangers with regularity and make a few – yes, plural – runs to the playoffs, it’s going to be tough to get Astros fans back. Unless Roger Clemens makes a start in a couple of weeks. Then they’ll sell the place out.

This has been a familiar scene in Houston this year. Mandatory Credit: Thomas Campbell-US PRESSWIRE

If you had full access to the Astros’ official team store with permission to walk out with one current player’s jersey free of charge, who would it be?  Is there anyone on the team right now that will be part of a corps of championship players within the next 5-10 years? 

There are a few possibilities – most of what will be the core for the next ten years is still in the minors. Still, it’s not hard to get excited about Jose Altuve. Jimmy Paredes, who is getting an early look (and committed three errors the other night), has a chance to stick. There’s also Matt Dominguez at 3B who has played well over the last couple of weeks. Jordan Lyles will be in his 3rd year in 2013 and will only be 22 years old. Is there anyone who will be a Hall of Famer? I don’t know – but 2013 is just the next step towards respectability. And fear.

Is it true that you can just bring your own food right into Minute Maid Park?  Just like, right through the gate, and not stuffed into anyone’s girlfriend’s purse without telling her right before we get to security?

It is true! You can also put a bunch of bottled water in a cooler, dump the water out of one bottle, and replace it with vodka or your favorite rum drink. Just be sure to mark the bottle that you did that with.

Does anybody–actual, real people; not owners desperate for gate takes or those who want to gorge themselves at a media circus–actually want to see Roger Clemens in an Astros uniform?

In a very selfish way, I’m hoping it happens. See, my wife and I had a kid – our first – this summer. It was determined, not by me, that MLB.tv was an unnecessary expense. So the fact that the Sugar Land Skeeters have had more nationally televised games than the Astros kind of pisses me off. I’d get a chance to see the Astros not play the Reds or Barves. Also, keep in mind that the Astros have a “reliever” named Fernando Rodriguez who has ten losses. I’d be more okay (but not really okay on the Spectrum of Okayness) if he pitched an inning in relief. Instead of Fernando Rodriguez.

Who will be the Astros next manager and will it be Craig Biggio and how revamped are the Astros going to be in the AL and how excited is everyone to move to the AL and will there be a new mascot and will it be Orbit?

I have no idea who will be the next manager. Nationals 3B coach Bo Porter has been linked to the job, and I hope that he gets a good look. Maybe Bobby Valentine will be the next manager, and it will be like a 6-month long snuff film. Revamped? The Astros are gonna Astro, and people are going to laugh. But at some point in the next few years, the Astros might be hailed as one of the greatest rebuilding projects in modern baseball history. No one is excited about the move to the American League. There will be a new mascot, and I hope they look like this.

Thank you, this has been all of my leftover questions.

No. Thank YOU.