Phast Phive: Kratz Krazy


The number of different ways in which to use Erik Kratz’ last name in everyday language has gotten absolutely Kratzy. I mean, I Kratz hardly believe how easy it is to insert Kratz into any Kratzin’ strory about the journeyman catcher-turned-Major League slugger. Kratzmania has grabbed a hold of every Phillies fan around the globe to the point where bootlegged Kratz shirseys are being mass produced at a warehouse in Brunswick, NJ as we speak.

That said, here’s a bunch of links. Some of them are about Erik Kratz. You’re welcome.

Justin Klugh

Do you have any idea how lost this pitching staff is without Carlos Ruiz?  The man was the Panamanian glue that held them together.  In his absence, Doc, Cliff, and Cole can share only awkward smiles in the hallway or even more awkwardly witness each other’s outlets for dealing with frustration (Cliff releases wart hogs and hunts them with a crossbow; Doc cracks bathroom mirrors with his mind; Cole watches an entire season of The City and eats a carton of ice cream).

Fortunately, we have Erik Kratz; a phrase no one assumed we’d have to or want to say in 2012.  We the fans have accepted Kratzy warmly and hope that he will be backing up Chooch and trying to hurt Chipper Jones for years to come [EDITOR’S NOTE: It’s like you don’t even pay attention to baseball].

Now, we just need him to crack the elusive pitching staff.  Doc’s pillow collection is a great place to start.

But, if you’re too slick and cool and tightly-pants’d to fork over most of your checking account for a seat to watch this team do their thing until September ends, there’s an article by a guy who is those things and says that the Camden Riversharks may be a more affordable disappointment.  I mean, for Pedro Feliz fans, it’s a no-brainer.

John Stolnis

I normally don’t link anything to Bleacher Report because their articles are such a pain in the Kratz to navigate. Plus, it’s not real writing. However, I was interested in seeing this in-depth analysis containing the odds of all 25 Phillies for mailing in the rest of the season. And if Jimmy Rollins isn’t far and away #1 on that list, it’s further proof that Bleacher Report needs to be destroyed.

This one is pretty simple. Michael Martinez is historically bad. I mean, worse than Steve Jeltz. THAT bad.

Chipper Jones may have broken some hearts with his three-run homer off The Richest Closer in Major League Baseball on Sunday night, but it was a girlie enough home run that an injured 15-year-old softball player was able to make the catch in the stands. Larry, you’re such a female.

And finally, Major League Baseball is coming to its senses about expanded September rosters. New changes are about to be put in place as soon as next year. Gone will be the days of a team having 15 pitchers at their disposal for any game. Teams will be forced to put together an active 25 or 30-man roster for every game in September, even though they have 40 men available to them. Think of it as healthy scratches in hockey. It’s an idea long past due.

Ethan Seidel

In case you missed Eric Kratz’s heroic stand at the plate against Chipper Jones, Bill Baer provides a nice clip by clip run down of his spectacular play. He may not be Superman, but Kratz has certainly jumped ahead of Chis Coste as favorite Phillies journeyman catcher.

And in earth shattering news, Keith Hernandez, or the guy who introduced Daryl Strawberry to the nose candy, is planning on losing his mustache. After years of dominating the land of mustachioed men Hernandez must have felt it was young man’s game. Ironic Brooklyn hipsters, the mustache is all yours.