Phast Phive: Phood Poisoning


Justin Klugh

I think what is making this trade deadline more intense than the other ones is all the players begging not to be traded who will most definitely be traded.  It’s hard for me to act like I don’t really care and I just want the team to get better–I do, obviously, but I realize I’m usually more attached to individual players than other strangers from the internet.  There’s footage I’m thinking of now of Shane Victorino at the opening of some building he funded for charity, crying during a speech and calling Philadelphia his “second home.”

What I should be doing is thinking of that time he first-pitch swung during that Red Sox game earlier this year when we were in the middle of a comeback and dribbled a fuck-ass bouncer to nowhere that killed the rally and basically ended the game.  I think Chad Qualls was still on the team at that point, so naturally it was “win right now or Chad Qualls is going to have to come back onto the field.”

But here it is, one in the morning, and so far, Shane is still a Phillie.  Scott Miller: Baseball Columnist is on the case, complete with telling us what’s wrong (We don’t know if we’re still competing in 2012!  Wait, yes we do.  We’re not) and how to fix it (Do something! It’s the Trade Deadline!) and also an unflattering picture of Shane and don’t forget the Philly cheese steak reference.

"“The middle of the Phillies’ bullpen is too much Cheez Whiz, and not enough Philly steak.”–Scott Miller"

I had a cheese steak once.  Got food poisoning.

John Stolnis

When an evil superpower like the Phillies (and did you ever think you would read that sentence back in the mid-to-late ’90s?) falls on hard times, the gloating of every baseball fan without a Phillies cap sewn into their heads can be suffocating. I mean, hey, we were there once, right?

When the Mets or Yankees or Dodgers would fall apart and suffer losing seasons, it caused nothing but glee and joy among Phils fans throughout the area. But now that the Phils are in dead last in the NL East, with the championship window all but closed for the immediate future, the vultures are circling the carcass, led by the Washington Times’ Stephen Whyno, who penned this tremendous piece of journalism this week.

Boy, it sure seems like the Phillies are trying to trade Cliff Lee. And why not? After all, he has been hugely terrible, a rotten clubhouse influence, and I think he accidentally set Ruben Amaro’s house on fire by setting off fireworks in the Amaro movie room.

Wait, none of that is true? Then perhaps it’s all because Amaro has been doling out mega-contracts like mini-size Three Muskateers bars on Halloween. Either way, it appears as if a new suitor has entered into the conversation, the Arizona Diamondbacks, who Fox Sports’ Ken Rosenthal says is looking for a front-line, ace pitcher. And, they just so happen to have a supremely talented young outfielder names Justin Upton that they’re looking to unload. I’m going to file this rumor under the “I’ll believe it when I see it” tab in my MLB trade rumors file cabinet.

And usually, Yahoo! fan blogs are a waste of time for everyone. However, this one, featuring 10 of the greatest baseball quotes in Major League history is actually pretty good. There are some good gems in there, and no, they’re not all from the mouth of John Rocker and Yogi Berra.

Ethan Seidel

Why won’t Ruben Amaro just give us some closure! Shane Victorino continues to be the most likely Phillie to be dealt, and according to Hardballtalk it could be to Cincy. But then again it seems just as likely he is traded to the moon at this point!

Is this really the state of baseball reporting. The hot news yesterday was that the Phillies were going to “unload.”  Wow, breaking news, stop the presses! While we all wait to find out what that actually means, I’m going to go unload the laundry.