Chase Utley Intimidates Everyone into Believing in the Phillies Again


With every loss this year, we’ve felt our hope crumble and die.  After every win, one of the players will suggest it’s the start of a hot streak, maybe, and it never is.  Every evening, when the kids are in bed and we’re a few minutes into the whiskey we keep behind the toilet, it is easy to reflect on the flimsy starting pitching, comical defense, or inept bullpen and think, “2012 will be the end of us.”

“If you keep shouting that, the kids are going to think you’re burning the house down,” our spouses reply.

We’ve all but decided that the return of Chase Utley and possibly Ryan Howard will be a flawed experiment, begun too late to be effective and involving subjects too broken to to save the season.  Not only is the team a myriad of hopeless causes, but the careers of our favorite young heroes appear to be in jeopardy.  At least, that’s how things look from where we sit.  Which on the shower floor with the water on, rocking back and forth.

It’s been rumored that Chase, after a rehab start in Lehigh Valley, will be coming back soon, and he is apparently celebrating his comeback by speaking in more than monosyllabic sentences.

"“I know that there’s some people who have given up on me, there are some people who have given up on this team.  But I’ll be the first to tell you — I definitely haven’t given up myself.   We have strong-willed guys on this team.  I know our guys haven’t given up on this year.”–Chase Utley"

B… but all the losses–

"“The majority of games we’ve lost, we’ve had a legitimate opportunity to win. All it takes is one good bounce our way and things can change.”–Chase Utley"

**Tears welling up in eyes**

Yeah, but… yeah but… they just look so bad out there, you know?  And what if those days of you youthfully hurling your body around like a psychopath are over?

"“It’s probably been a few years since I’ve had this much strength in my legs.  But I think this is a work in progress. There’s room for them to get stronger. This is the initial starting point. I think I can build on it.”–Chase Utley"


Oh god Chase I’m so sorry.  I just… with all the losing and the errors and the other teams all laughing at us it just got hard to believe in the anything?  There was just no one out there to get behind, and we… we lost faith, Chase, and I… I…