Phillies Strive to be Best at Being Sustainable Due to Lack of Actual Baseball Skill


The 2012 Phillies have all the makings of a baseball fairy tale:  All of the good players are injured.  Former heroes turning into goats.  A constant, nagging fear that fan favorites will abandon us.  A young stud infielder being suspended for banned substances.  Mike Fontenot.

Yes, if this two-game hot streak we’re riding is any indication, the Phillies are in the middle of turning that corner that makes their 2012 DVD retrospective worth buying while stumbling past the vendor in CBP.

But, just in case none of that Big Magical Thing were waiting for happens, the Phillies are making sure they are going to end 2012 as #1 in something, even if it isn’t the NL East division or our hearts.  No, this time, it’s renewable energy credits!

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  “I’m not excited about that.”

Well maybe some day, when you’re gutting a former house cat to feed your starving family in a post-apocalyptic earth, stripped of all it’s natural energy resources and choked with smog and nuclear poison clouds and barbarians who used to be white collar computer programmers, you’ll wonder why more teams weren’t like the Phillies.

They have bought bore renewable energy credits than anybody, and they’ve even mostly done so within the Pennsylvania region, which is like, double good.  They’ve been doing this since 2008, when pollution first became bad.

“But what are renewable energy credits?!” now you’re shouting.  “We’re like 250 words into this post and you still haven’t even defined the main thing!”

Hey, smart guy.  Why not let someone else have a turn screaming incoherently.  Thanks.

Renewable energy credits are like “apology money” to the earth.  Citizens Bank Park is going to generate  ton of pollution every year.  Okay?  It’s just going to.  You know this from that tailgate when you kicked a trash can over in K Lot because of how awesome the Phillies are and six seagulls choked to death on plastic wrap.

However, by forking over money for these credits, the Phillies are basically saying, “Yes, we are detrimental to the environment.  But look, here’s money!”  And that makes it all better.

They supposedly “offset” the amount of pollution CBP causes, going to fund the planting of trees or cleaning of rivers or what have you.   So the Phillies are bringing the earth right back to where it was before they invited you over and you ruined everything.

So, as things consistently go wrong on the baseball field, we should thank the Phillies.  After all, more than anything the 2012 season has reminded us that there is more to life than baseball.  By keeping the environment healthy, we will be able to celebrate that for years to come.

But, like I said, we won’t have to.  Because any day now, that fairy tale is going to begin.  And when that happens, there won’t be enough trash cans for me to kick over in celebration.