Phast Phive: Pheels Good

Justin Klugh

The Phillies may not be winners, but the city of Philadelphia certainly is.  Why, this week alone, we learned we were #1.  Number one in what, you ask?  You… really shouldn’t have asked.

Because it’s bed bugs.  Yes, after years of New York taking the hallowed top spot on the list ranking our nation’s most heavily infested cities, Philly finally showed that big market behemoth how to be overrun with vermin that live in your bed.  We managed to slip by Cincinnati and to be honest, it just feels good to be the best at something.  Because it certainly wasn’t going to be a sport.

So anyway, Cole Hamels pitched imperfectly the other night, slipping his incoming payday down a bit, especially when you consider what his oft-compared rival was doing.  But what are Cole’s motivations right now?  The rotation is as much, or more, of a part of this decline as anybody.  Does Cole have hope for this team?  Is he looking forward to free agency?  Will the Phillies trade him to avoid it?

No, no, no, says The Good Phight.  In fact, just the opposite.  And not only that, he’s a straight cold machine killer.  As long as the bed bugs don’t get him.

Tony DiStefano

The Phillies are playing bad enough to warrant talk of being sellers and it is getting too late not to think about it.  That is truely depressing.

It seems like this whole Bryce Harper being good at baseball thing is working out for the Nationals.  Apparently there is a direct correlation between the amount of eyeblack you wear and how good you are at stuff.  Anyway, here is a video of Bryce sounding like a douche after a guy asks him about beer.  It also illustrates that this guy can’t drink for another couple of years meaning that he is going to be a pain in the ass for a long time.

John Stolnis

If any of you have read me in the past, you know that I’m a real big Jimmy Rollins fan. Sure, I loved him when he was winning the MVP in 2007, leading the team in 2008 and destroying Jonathan Broxton’s soul with his game-winning double in Game 4 of the 2009 NLCS. Lately, however, Rollins is a shell of what he used to be, and has backed up his mega-contract with not only poor play, but a lack of hustle as well.

Still, there are some folks are sticking by J-Roll, for reasons passing understanding. Until he starts running every ball out, he’s still in my “uncool” book.

Sometimes, when I’m watching the Phillies play, I often try to think about which video game character each player reminds me of. Apparently, I’m not alone. Which I’m glad about, because I thought I had some kind of mental disorder or something.

And finally… Chase Utley, Ryan Howard, and Inception. Trust me, it makes sense.