NL East Infection: Don’t Make Me Barve


New York Mets

Reporters covering the Roger Clemens Crimes Against Baseball Trial were falling asleep at their desks.  So far the only entertainment had come from Andy Pettitte zig zagging through his testimony.  Geeze, why do these drawn-out, closed-door, monotonous courtroom dramas featuring endless expository and evasive statements be so boring?

Fortunately, things got a little spicier as of late, when former New York Mets bat boy, PED souce, and cartoonishly stereotypical New Yorker Kirk Radomski was called to the witness stand.

He was making eye contact.  He was taking his shirt off.  He was providing sound effects for his own testimony when he could.

"Radomski talked so quickly in his New York accent that he had to be slowed down several times, both by the prosecutor and the court reporter. And he played up his street smarts over book smarts.—Associated Press"

Radomski survived his cross examination, and sadly left the stage, giving reporters plenty to gab about later at the bar, but dooming them to a tomorrow of monotone yammering.

Miami Marlins

In a revolutionary move, Ozzie Guillen chose not to use Heath Bell as his closer after Bell had his fifth meltdown in as many chances.  The concept of not using a player if they are performing terribly has yet to permeate around all of baseball, but experts agree it is a strategy with the effectiveness to catch on.

Bell will serve in earlier relief roles, which will undoubtedly confuse and disorient the career closer.  His uncanny ability to get three outs in the ninth inning will be “nearly impossible” to translate into other, earlier innings, experts speculate.  “Those outs?  Those are ninth inning outs.  They’re way different than any other.  That’s why the closer position was invented.  Because those ninth inning outs are so… so, uh, different.”

The expert quoted here then paused and demanded to remain anonymous, refusing to answer follow-up questions such as “Why is it different?” and “Seriously, why?”

On the other side of the coin, Carlos Zambrano is not performing terribly and will most likely play more because of it.  Guillen’s roster moves have yet to take a long term effect on the Marlins, but we can all rest assured knowing that this all probably has nothing to do with some kind of shady financial scheme.  Probably.

Atlanta Braves

See, I always thought that we called the Braves the ‘Barves’ because it sounded like ‘barf,’ and that’s why everybody wants to do when they hear the Tomahawk Chop or another tongue bath for Chipper Jones from national broadcasters.  Don’t they know he’s coated in Hooter’s bathroom bacteria?  Gross.

Well, husband and wife Allison and Everett Steele are taking the meme and turning it into a t-shirt; a radical concept that is sure to give countless enterprising young site admins a great idea.

"“I think that’s why it was so funny– because it was a very cognizant owning of the stupidity of the Internet, the collective stupidity.”–Everett Steele"

Oh, so now the internet is “stupid,” huh?  Well let me ask you this, smart guy.  If the internet is so stupid, then that’s “stupid” money you’re donating to charity, because it’s all coming through your web site.  Yeah.  So how’s it feel, knowing you’re passing stupidity onto those in need?  Pretty bad, I expect.  Now whose stupid?  UPDATE: Still the internet.

Meanwhile, if there are any hipsters in Atlanta, they’re all reaching excitedly for their velcro wallets with the ’90s cartoon character on them.

Washington Nationals

With the attention-starved Nationals whining their way into the spotlight, it should be no surprise that their week has been chock full of dynamic moves.  By now, you must be aware of their latest statement, addressed to all comers in the NL East and proving quite vocally that they feel like they have earned a place at the table.

Yes, the Nationals have signed 33-year-old reliever Mike Gonzalez.  The endgame is upon us.

While many consider the former Oriole a broken toy, the Nats seem content to bring him in and see what he can do.  Of course, they are doing so in the wake of Drew Storen going to the DL and discovering Brad Lidge is exactly what everyone thought he would be and then going to the DL, so they’d probably be willing to see the silver lining of a stray cat if they thought he could get three outs.

But where does that leave the rest of us with our broken, sputtering bullpens?  With Mike Gonzalez off the market, the Nationals have cemented themselves as the team to be taken seriously in this division, and they didn’t even have to call anybody a “chicken shit” to do so.  The question is, now that they have this power, what will they do with it?  Tighten their choke hold whilst quickly sliding into corruption?  Yes, probably.