Jonathan Papelbon Instigates Rivalry as Ryan Madson Sits There Staring at the Wall

c/o someecards.com

The Reds recently walked into their equipment shed and found Ryan Madson sitting alone in the dark, staring at the wall with a look of distant fury on his face.  After their initial suprise, the team took the opportunity to carefully approach their new closer like he was an abused dog, and asked in gentle tones of voice just what song he preferred to enter to during games.  He shook them off.

"“I just want to go out there and get three outs.”–Ryan Madson"

The Reds nodded sympathetically, left a water dish, and backed away from Madson, acquiescing to his request that they “turn the light out” as they left.

Meanwhile, in Philadelphia, new closer Jonathan Papelbon took to the media to explain how much better Phillies fans are than Red Sox fans, claiming that we “…know the game better, being in the National League, you know, the way the game is played.”  So not only can we surmise that Papelbon has always thought the Phillies were better than the Red Sox, but he’s always thought the NL was closer to real baseball than the AL.  Which is nice to have confirmed, finally.

Papelbon did say, however, that he felt the Boston fans were a bit more “hysterical” about baseball than anyone else, which is… I’m sorry, but if I eat a meatball, and Ryan Howard hits a home run, and I deduce that all I have to do is eat a meatball during his AB and Ryan Howard will hit a home run, and then I start doing it for every player, and by the fifth inning my roommate is mopping up a lake of meaty vomit with old rally towels as I lie on the couch trying to communicate that there’s still part of a meatball lodged in my throat and everything is getting dark via a series of panicked blinks… is “hysterical” not the word for that?

No.  I guess “superstitious.”  Or “crazy.”  Definitely “dying.”

It’s nice that Papelbon is tying to bond with us, even if it is through mindless pandering.  I’ll take it.  All of this “we overpaid for you” nonsense will evaporate almost as quickly a Papelbon shirseys in the gift shop by early June when he’s racking up the saves.

And that brings us back to Ryan Madson, who appears to be so enthusiastic about being replaced by Papelbon that he recently ended an interview with the phrase “I don’t even care anymore.”