Dom Brown Starts Off Preseason With Resounding Statement to Jose Contreras

We seem to have our first simmering player rivalry boiling over into a full fledged attack.

We don’t know what started it.  We don’t know who started it.  What we do know, however, is that Dom Brown has fired the first shot in what is surely to be turmoil season-long with Jose Contreras.  And that shot was a home run ball into Contreras’ truck.

The incident was immediately suspicious.  If Brown can hit home runs so “accidentally,” what’s stopping him from hitting them on purpose?  And don’t tell me that doesn’t make sense.

What sort of altercation could have erupted between Brown and Contrearas to lead to such a fiendish act?  Have they ever even spoken to each other?  I thought Contreras didn’t speak English and Juan Samuel translated for him.  Can Dom Brown speak Spanish?  Why is he focusing more on bilingualism instead of becoming an everyday left fielder?  When Contreras retrieved the baseball from his damaged truck, did it say “The next one’s in your eye” on it?

The questions are endless.  This used to be such a friendly clubhouse; one that featured not only a championship team, but a group of pals.  Now, we’ll see the inevitable choosing of sides and splitting of belongings.   The pitchers, obviously, will side with Contreras, while the position players rally around Brown.  Media interviews will explode into shoving matches.  Charlie Manuel will shake his head disappointingly as order devolves into chaos.  Somebody will inevitably take a dump in Kyle Kendrick’s shoes.

And we the fans are left wondering what could have sparked such affliction?  What wrongdoing transpired between the veteran hurler and the sophomore outfielder that created such tension?  Eventually, we will just have to learn to accept the situation, and hope that they can work it out.

Until then, all we can do is keep inviting Contreras and Brown to the same place without telling them the other is coming.

And when they roll their eyes and sigh and ask us if we “really thought this would work, again,” we just take each of their hands and place them in each other, asking them to open their hearts and forgive.  And then the Phanatic can come in with a marching band and do some thrusts that lighten the mood, and maybe Jose and Dom will remember why they were ever casual acquaintances in the first place.

Perhaps they’ll exchange knowing smiles, which turn to chuckling, and then laughter and apologies all around.  They’ll admit they don’t even remember what they were fighting about, and Kyle Kendrick will remind them it was “That home run ball in Jose’s truck,” and Chase Utley will kick him in the shin, but it’s okay because Kyle doesn’t know any better.  Then we’ll all have to settle down because The Avengers is starting and there are other people in the movie theater.

Sadly, though, Brown has made it clear he has no intention of forgiving Contreras, and vice versa.  Jose undoubtedly took great pleasure in Dom’s being struck by a pitch later in the afternoon while batting against Florida State, and Dom clearly stole second out of spite.  So this is a bit of a mess, but we need to trust that in time, these things will work themselves out.

Besides, we have more furious rivalries to worry about, like Justin De Fratus and Tyson Gillies’ fashion debate.