Nationals So Darn Tired of All These Darn Phillies Fans, Darn It


Obviously, tickets to Phillies games are the most precious commodity in all of Philadelphia.  The team is already reporting upwards of three million tickets sold for the upcoming season, and nobody even had to offer them sex yet.  Which is indicative that nobody over there is listening to my voicemails.

But no matter!  Even if Phillies games are harder to get into than the ocean-rowing world record book, there remains further options.  For instance, we can always head up or down the turnpike and visit other, less successful teams’ stadiums.  I’m sure they appreciate the boost in ticket sales, and we can appreciate humiliating them in their own home in front of their kids fans.  Everybody wins!  Except, of course, the team that isn’t the Phillies.  Also their fans probably lose a little, morale wise.

The Washington Nationals seem to be extra sensitive about being overrun by visiting fans and their money in 2012.  The Nats have become one of the more emotionally raw teams when it comes to visiting Phillies fans; there have been calls to arms, babbling old man rants, and general whining about how when the Nationals play the Phillies at home, Nats Park becomes what we call “Citizens Bank South.”  Which is a label I’m sure we can all see the humor in.

The problem is, the Nats don’t have a ton of fans.  At least, not enough to outnumber the fans of a team coming to town who is in the midst of a golden era in their history.  So, instead of doing what most other teams do when they are still trying to develop a winner and brooding patiently for the day when enough fans have gathered around an exciting team to chase enemies out of the park, the Nats are trying to buck the system.

Their “Take Back the Park” Campaign puts single game tickets on sale for the Phillies-Nats series from May 4-6, but they are only able to be purchased by credit cards with addresses in the Maryland/D.C. area.  This sends a stern, misguided message to any other fans from the Washington Nationals Public Relations office:  “Don’t come here.”

What the Nationals don’t realize is that this plan is actually far more hostile to themselves than anyone else.

We use normal human money to pay for the tickets; the same kind that everyone else uses.  We don’t use the crushed, puke-stained, dreams of orphans as currency anymore in Philadelphia, so I don’t see what is so offensive about taking our money.

Secondly, look.  We’re from Philadelphia.  If we want in, we’ll get in, even if we have to do all those despicable cliches you’ve heard about us, all at the same time.  No, I’m not really sure how that would help.  Maybe it would distract security while the rest of us bum rush the entrance.

And finally, what about all of those out-of-state Nationals fans?  The ones who’ve loved the team since they were little kids, but come adulthood, found themselves displaced from their home and far from their beloved Nationals and their rich, decades-spanning tradition of winning?

So you see now, Nationals?  You see how many lives you’re ruining by limiting the purchases of tickets?  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, END THIS MADNESS BEFORE YOU BREAK THE BACK OF A NATION.