NL East Infection: Who Are Those Men and Why Are They Dressed Like That?
By Justin Klugh
There are some changes that need to be made to the Braves if they want to have a team that doesn’t excel most of the time and then blow the entire season some of the time. Some seriously minor, precise changes. And the Braves have decided that that change should be in the way that they dress.
If you’re not yet aware of the Braves’ new alternate jerseys, then you will be, when they wear them on the field and you’re like, “Sweet jesus, who are those men on the field and why in the hell are they dressed like that?!”
The main differences in the new uniforms and the old one are that the news ones have no tomahawk, have a number on the front, and look like they’ve been run through the washer with the color load.
But, despite all this madness on the field, the main message the Braves want to be sure you know is, as always, don’t talk to strangers.
New York Mets
The Mets watched another hero sign in San Francisco this week, as Angel Pagan signed a one-year $4.85 million deal with the Giants. But heroes are hard to come by for the Mets these days, so you can understand their concern when current bright spot R.A. Dickey decided to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro.
When climbing a mountain, it makes sense not to move slowly and erratically, and in directions that no one can predict. So it’s clear that Dickey wasn’t going to knuckleball his way to the top of the mountain. Being a pitcher for the Mets, though, he was perfectly suited for the “extreme fatigue and nausea” he experienced while scaling Africa’s highest ground. The whole reason he went on the endeavor was to raise awareness of human trafficking in Mumbai. The team was naturally furious; they don’t have too many good players, and now the ones they have are undertaking intense, physical, non-baseball related activities.
Miami Marlins
If you’re one of the trillions of people planning on checking out the Marlins’ new ballpark, I would suggest you take the brand new public transit options that the city is making available for you. Except that I might as well suggest to you to take a chariot pulled by Rays fans because neither of them exist.
"“After more than a year of meetings between city and county officials and a transportation planner working for the Marlins, the transit blueprint remains little more than a wish list, hampered by lack of funding and the Marlins’ apparent unwillingness to help pay for improvements.”—Miami Herald"
“Unwillingness to help pay for improvements”? That doesn’t sound like the Marlins at all. Were they too busy trying to put visions of marlins jumping through World Series rings into Albert Pujols’ head to remember they needed roads leading to the stadium?
Charles Scurr, some guy who is a credible source when it comes to transportation and baseball, hinted that baseball is a long game, and that it doesn’t really matter when people show up. This seems a little ignorant, but then again, we’re talking about South Florida baseball, which means it’s kind of a miracle we’re talking about baseball at all.
Washington Nationals
When you look at the Mets right now, do you think, “Now that is a train I want to hitch my wagon to.”
If so, then you would fit in with the Washington Nationals, who have possibly been asked by the Mets to move in with them in their Port St. Lucie Spring Training facility. If such an inquiry was put forth, the Nats have some serious issues to think about. What if the Mets are messy? Will they be cooking a lot? Will they be having house guests over all the time? Do they have any pets? What if the relationship goes south? Will it be easy to separate their stuff?
As if the Nationals don’t have enough to worry about. Goooooooodddddd. Word has it they just want to go out tonight, you know? Just us girls and forget about… all of this. Ya no? 😉