Phillies Sign Ty Wigginton as Sure Fix to Every Problem

An ugly scene in the Cuddyer household is certainly unfolding as Michael watched the Phillies sign a cheaper version of himself last night.  Undoubtedly waiting by the phone since the Phillies summoned him to town and showed him a good time, Cuddyer’s offseason will now include not being signed for the Phillies and sleepless nights of devastating emotional outbursts channeled toward his family.

Meanwhile, the Phillies can celebrate the signing of Corner Infielder/Sometimes Left Fielder/In General Pretty Poor Defender/Solid Batsman Ty Wigginton, who once had such a good month in 2010 he was voted into the All-Star Game, and not even as a replacement because someone was horribly injured.

The trick is, however, that Wigginton may have already used up the Weirdly Elite Hot Streak for a Mediocre at Best Utility Guy for his career, leaving the Phillies to use him for several solid moments, but a lot of dejected looks and shaking of the head.  This is also known as “Cody Ross-ism.”

Fortunately, the Phillies paid only a song for the spot-filler, and that song was called “$2 million of the $4 million Owed to Him, feat. the Colorado Rockies.”

Therefore, Ruben has once again indicated interest in one player, only to sign another for far cheaper.  And with this being the offseason, we have like five months to assume that because Ty Wigginton is new, he is also good.  And maybe he will be.  But all optimists won’t be proven wrong for a while, so it is safe to assume that he will be disgustingly effective, until his first screw-up, at which point we can all say we knew this signing was a mistake from the get-go.

Needless to say, though, it is a relief to see work getting done.  Obviously Logan Morrison is excited.  And this also seems to indicate that the Phillies are saving money so that they may give it to Jimmy and everyone can stay happy forever.