NL East Infection: Bring on the Meteors


Atlanta Braves

Now sure, we all had a grand time watching the Braves sad trombone themselves out of the playoffs this year.  But the enjoyment came from analysts at the beginning of the year claiming that not only would they give us a struggle for the division flag, but their rotation was comparable with ours!  Ha!

Obviously the only thing comparable to the Phillies starting rotation is a pack of unstoppable meteors hurdling violently toward the earth’s major cities.

But there ws plenty of truth in those words.  The words about the Braves, not the meteors.  Actually the meteors too.  The point is, we staved off the Braves’ horrible youth movement for another season, but given the talent and depth of their farm system, we are probably just delaying the inevitable.

A key part of keeping them down is to hope that the emotional toll of being eliminated through a Rube Goldberg-esque series of baseball moments weighs on them forever.  The worst thing they could do is move on with their lives, which, sadly, they appear to be doing.

So all we can do now is hope that our staff of legends can wipe them out for another year.  Or we could just hope for the meteors.

New York Mets

Getting Jose Reyes to stay in Flushing would be a good thing for the Mets, so naturally, they are preparing for it to not happen.  THE BEST SHORTSTOP EVER, according to the internet’s loudest sources, Reyes already has plenty of teams foaming at the mouth while shoving contracts and pens in his face, which has got to be a pretty disturbing way to spend the winter.

The press conference called by Mets brass the other day wasn’t to announce that a deal had been reached, just as no one suspected.  In fact, it was to explain that the Mets would be re-configuring their outfield wall in order to allow more baseballs to go over it.

This was pretty indicative of where the Mets stand financially at the moment, and that they can afford to pay a wall more than a franchise, All-Star shortstop is no shock.  It was just the latest move in the subtle art of severing ties with a loved one.

Florida Marlins

The Marlins aren’t worried about silly collapses or pulling their franchise players close and telling them they love them.  They have more important things to worry about, like how soon can they start selling the rainbow-colored Miami Marlins merchandise that’s piling up in the supply closet?

This soon:  November 11.

Yes, rest easy, sports fan; your long wait is over.  The new stadium’d, Ozzie Guillen’d, Miami-not-Florida’d Marlins are coming, and they have the expensive MLB merchandise to prove it.  Of course, your Jeff Conine shirsey is now a throwback.  That makes you look like one of those cool Marlins fans that’s been around since the beginning.

Hmmm.  Well, now you don’t know what to think.  Sorry.

Washington Nationals

This past year, the Nationals took a stab at becoming “America’s Team.”  They failed.  With only the douchiness and not the success of other sports teams to hold that title, the campaign quickly faded, as did the Nationals, and another tepid season chilled as autumn came ’round.

The Nats should realize, however, that there are many other countries out there without official MLB teams.  For instance, Taiwan, where the Taiwan All-Star Series is currently being played.  Some Nationals are on the roster, such as Collin Balester and Michael Morse, and they are currently tearing it up, Nats style.

Which in this case means they are doing well, not just walking around literally tearing things in half.

Morse led the All-Stars over the gracious Taiwanese hosts with a mammoth home run in a 6-2 victory, continuing his offensive powerhousing amidst adoring fans.

With any luck, the Morse will chair the “Taiwan’s Team” campaign for the Nationals, despite their franchise being based in America’s capital and having that whole “patriotic” motif.  Could be a challenge, but if the Nationals are up for anything, it’s a challenge in a foreign country.