Series 6-Pack: “A Major League team is ready to have a sasquatch mascot.”


Yo, it’s Andrew from Nationals Inquisition!  To celebrate the four trillionth time of playing the Nationals this year, I asked good questions this time, I swear.

1.  I don’t think I’m overreacting when I say that Bryce Harper’s career is over.  Where do the Nationals go from here?

Las Vegas. Or Portland. Personally, I hope it is Portland because I think a Major League team is ready to have a sasquatch as a mascot.  Also, “The Goonies” was filmed in Astoria, OR and there is something enticing and horrible about getting Todd Coffey to do the Truffle Shuffle every game.

Nah, Harper will be fine. They’ll amputate, his super powers will allow him to grow a new leg by next season and he’ll be back to mashing.

2.  Harper being a complete bust is one thing, but now Strasburg–the nice one–is giving up runs!  Do the Nationals even bother going anywhere from here?!

I wouldn’t worry about Strasburg either. He gave up those runs for all our sins. Yes, even Philly’s. He is a loving pitching-God.

3.  Many people criticize MLB’s brass for being nonchalant, arcane, and laissez-faire.  But would you say their memo sent down from on high that prohibited the Nationals from wearing hats commemorating Navy SEALs lost in a helicopter crash is a sign that MLB is ready to start cracking down on baseball’s most serious issues?

Nonchalant? Arcane? Laissez-faire… what do these words even mean? [EDITOR’S NOTE:  This is how smart people talk!!! I heard it from a professor!] Well, while your talking Spanish, I will say I gotta hand it to the league officials. The Nats had a simple, easy and cheap way to honor our fallen military heroes and how MLB swooped on down from above and killed the idea because of jealously they didn’t think of it? Didn’t want one team giving them the 1-Up? Classy. What is next? A used car salesman as commissioner?

4.  Livan Hernandez: Slow pitch softball player or most vicious Phillie-killer to ever walk the earth?

Slow-pitch junkball thrower. I’m baffled. How did you guys not just tee off on him? His mind is bogged down by drug connection allegations and his body abused and suffering from years of Twinkie abuse and you could hardly touch him. I can’t imagine what a fine-tuned, young, clear headed pitcher is going to do to a Phillies line-up in the playoffs.

5.  In talking about the Nationals innate drafting ability and subsequent strong farm system, Fangraphs recently insinuated that at this point Ryan Zimmerman “…might actually be more valuable to the club as trade bait.”  Do you see  Zim as being the bright spot of the dark years, or will he get to contribute at a time when the Nationals are competing for a reason?

Personally, I am happy with what the Nationals drafted, but I am not sold on the idea that Ryan Zimmerman has suddenly become expendable. Maybe he has, but trading him won’t be easy for the front office. On field capabilities of any player can and will one day be replaced, but Zimmerman is ingrained in the Nationals young culture.

There would be huge fan backlash if he was traded and with as sensitive as Nats players are, probably some backlash on that front too. They really need to weigh the pros and cons before they do anything. It is sort of like Jurassic Park: yeah, we can make a T-Rex, but we really should ask if we really should. Right now, I think  Zimmerman stays in Washington.

6.  I will be wandering around D.C. from Saturday to Sunday, culminating in a raucous appearance at the Phils-Nats Sunday afternoon contest.  Does that bar still have that “Jayson Werth’s Batting Average” special?  And are there any other bars worth checking out that feature specials openly mocking Nationals players?

I think that whole “bar special” thing has passed now that Werth has started to play more like a Major League player. But I do get a lot of Phillies fans asking me, “Say, I’m headed into D.C. for the weekend for a bout of baseball and humming the theme song to “Rocky.”  Where can I go to enhance myself?” I haven’t boozed in D.C. in a long time, but there is a rumor of a place called “Truck Stop” on 18th Street NW that is pretty friendly and has specials all night and also the National Zoo is always open.