Phillies Reveal Post All Star Game Strategy of Only Winning for Non Aces


I am absolutely shocked that Roy Halladay has not figured out how the regulate the temperate during games that he pitches.  I mean, he seems to be able to do a bunch of things that normal humans have a difficult time with, so I do not believe that controlling the weather with his mind is outside the realm of possibilities.

Roy came out of today’s game after a Kendrick-like four innings after surrendering seven hits and three runs.  This broke a string of some ridiculously high number of games in which Roy tossed at least six innings in a road game.  The only person who posted a longer streak was Walter Johnson.  Walter fucking Johnson.  Halladay seemed to start to labor during a long third inning in which he threw upwards of thirty pitches.  He did not look right for the rest of the night and gave way to Andrew Carpenter and essentially conceded the opening game in the series to the Cubs.  When Phillies trainer Scott Sheridan jogged to the mound, every fan became considerably more pious as we all looked to the heavens and beseeched the higher power of our choice to spare Roy from a catastrophic injury.  No exploded arm everyone, just heat related issues.  Thank (insert favorite deity’s name here).

Hey everyone.  Do you remember Rodrigo Lopez?  I bet Orioles fans do.  He pitched for the Phillies and was average.  He gave up one run and five hits in six 2/3 innings of work.  In essence, the best pitcher in baseball was just out-pitched by Rodrigo Lopez.  I am fairly certain that my head just exploded.

The only good thing to spring forth from this pile of excrement was that Roy Halladay was not injured, just hot.  Aramis Ramirez and Carlos Pena hit home runs and everyone except Alfonzo Soriano contributed offensively.  There’s another positive!  At least the Phillies did not sign Soriano!  This one was an ugly 6-1 loss to a grossly inferior team.  The Phillies scored their only run of the night on a Jimmy Rollins solo homer.

Cliff Lee goes tomorrow in an attempt to break the ace win drought.  Matt Garza opposes him.