NL East Infection: Madness


Washington Nationals

Bryce Harper, confused about to whom he should address complaints regarding the strike zone, began barking at Tyler Waldron, the pitcher who’d just struck him out looking.  Not satisfied by hitting a home run off Waldron in his last at-bat, Bryce made a big stinking, whiny deal about something and then everybody got involved.  Does this indicate a gap in maturity for the Nationals’ sweetest, most luscious of prospects?  Well, no punches were thrown, so apparently he doesn’t know how to have a proper benches-clearing brawl, either.

But let’s not sensationalize a minor league scuffle between competitive young scamps.  Ha, ha, those little ruffians are just sorting things out the only way they know how, like puppies on performance enhancing drugs.  These things are just part of baseball, like a mouthful of chew, an 0-for-33 slump, and being linked to a convicted Puerto Rican drug dealer.

Right, Livian Hernandez?

"…prosecutors presented evidence at the drug trial, which ended Tuesday, that Vazquez had a Porsche, a Lamborghini and a warehouse containing a recording studio, a barber shop and a car repair shop registered in the name of the Washington Nationals pitcher.—USA Today"

Of course I’m right.  They won’t really bring the hammer down on Livian until the discovery of his secret underground man-purse factory.


Atlanta Braves

Hasn’t really been a banner week for the Braves.

So I don’t know a ton about Roger McDowell other than that he was a real goofball as a player, sticking fireworks to people’s shoes and all wearing his uniform upside-down.  This seems to translate into “openly threaten a fan with a baseball bat in front of people” later on in life, which is an alarming development for the mindset of class clowns.  I mean, I was a class clown.  Is this where I’m headed one day?  Ha ha, just kidding.  I’m already there.  Have you ever read this blog before.

My question is, why the hell did he do this now–the homophobic slurs, the threatening the guy with a bat in front of his kids, the saying that kids don’t belong at the ballpark–what about the day that it happened made it the perfect day for it to happen?  Did he snap?  I can’t imagine a guy who managed to keep his apparent rage in check for an entire playing career suddenly lost it on a couple of guys shouting from the stands, and then let his reaction carry over into an encounter with a couple of nine-year-olds.  Well, he’s been suspended, so let’s hope whatever’s wrong with him, some time off is the remedy.

And we all heard that other tragic news story involving a Braves pitcher this past week; John Smoltz missed the cut for the Nationwide Tour at the South Georgia Classic by 27 strokes.

When’s it gonna stop.

Florida Marlins

If you thought this Logan Morrison obsession was going to peak with quirky tweeting, boy were you totally and humiliatingly wrong.  We can take it way further.

And the fans have, evident via Logan Morrison is Tough, a web site started to indicate that Logan Morrison is much, much tougher than you previously believed.  Do you enjoy hyperbole and disagree when I say that these Chuck Norris-esque flashes of internet hyperbole are played out beyond even the farther desperate grasps of humor?  Then go ahead and click that link and spend the rest of the afternoon knuckle-deep in metaphors and similes.

In further Fish news, Josh Johnson can’t even throw 100 mph.  I mean, he can when the highly questionable radar gun at Great American Ballpark is aimed at him; the same one Aroldis Chapman uses to throw 105 mph and also nowhere near the strike zone.  But according to a gun not Aroldis’d for more intense fan pleasure, Josh only threw 95 mph, which obviously anyone can do.

Also, this:

"“Johnson passed Nolan Ryan in the record books by allowing 18 hits over 41 innings in his first six starts, the fewest hits allowed in the modern era before May 1.”—Fish Tank Blog"

New York Mets

When the Mets weren’t being befuddled by our Triple-A pitching staff this week, they were dragging endless 1-1 affairs into the late innings; an instance that proved the Phillies have one steadfast, glaring weakness above all others:  If a team is patient enough, they can just play us until we are forced to bring out Kyle Kendrick.

And then.