Charlie Manuel Gets to the Bottom of This

Charlie:  Everybody, I know Kyle’s easy to pick on.  He’s not very good.  His orthodontist makes him wear that weird headgear after games.  And don’t think I don’t know you guys meet up every Friday to take turns beaning him in MLB 2K11 The Show.

Kyle:  What?!  You guys said you were starting me in the video game because I “…deserved to start in real life!”

**The starters all whisper and laugh amongst themselves; except for Roy Halladay, who stands up and leaves**

Cole:  (Wiping away tears of laughter) C… come on, man.  Why would you believe that.

Kyle: Sorry.

Charlie: See, this is what I’m talking about.  This has got to stop.  Everybody who got a World Series ring deserved it, so it is a real slap in the face for somebody to make off with Kyle’s.  Totally uncalled for, and I expect more from you all.

Eric Bruntlett:  (Wearing only a towel, carrying toothbrush) Good morning!

**Everyone stares**

Raul:  What are you doing here?

Eric Bruntlett: I live in the showers.

**He begins brushing his teeth**

Charlie:  (Massaging temples) Security has got to get better around here.  All I’m saying.

Shane: But Chuck, Kyle’s ring was taken from an apartment in Washington.

Ryan: You seem to know an awful lot about it, Shane.

Shane: I eat six bowls of Cap’n Crunch’s Peanut Butter Crunch every morning, and read ten entire newspapers.  My brain is a pulsating sugar-bomb of information.

Ryan: Yeah, your eyes are… doing that thing again.  Stop… looking at me.

Charlie: I know damn well where the ring was stolen from.  That just means it had to be somebody with a lot of time on their hands.

Kyle: Sorry.

**All turn and stare**

Kyle: I hadn’t apologized in a while.  I figured it was time to do it again.  Was it… was that wrong?  I’m sorry.

Charlie: My point is–

**He’s cut off by the sound of Eric Bruntlett’s blow-dryer**

Ben: (Shouting) Why are you assuming it’s one of us, Chuck?

Charlie: (Shouting back) Because this is exactly the kind of thing you idiots find hilarious!

**An electric buzzing sound comes from the shower area and the lights flash.  Eric Bruntlett yelps, then both he and the blow-dryer fall eerily silent**

Kyle: You know, now that I think about it, it is kind of funny…

Charlie: Shut up, Kyle.  I’ve got a list of the other things that were stolen.  If you see somebody walking around with all this crap, let me know:  Bats and gloves from different points in Kyle’s life, televisions, computers, and a Ken Griffey Jr. jersey.

Kyle: Actually guys, I don’t care about the rest of the stuff, but that Griffey jersey means a lot to me.  He’s my favorite player.  I was the best kid in my neighborhood at “Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball” for SNES.

Chase: You don’t want your World Series ring back?

**All stare disgustedly at Kyle**

Kyle: No, I mean, of course I do.  Like… what?  Yeah.  I want it.  You guys would want it, and I’m just like you guys, so yeah.  Totally.  What?

**Bows head**

Kyle:  But if I could get that jersey back…

Charlie: Enough of this crap.  You’re all fully grown adults and we’re not going to have this in our clubhouse.

Shane: (Shoveling Cap’N Crunch into his mouth) YEAH ENOUGH ALREADY

**Ryan reaches over and swipes cereal out of his hand, hurling it into a trash can.  Shane takes a moment to realize what has happened, then dives at Ryan like a falcon.  Ryan easily sidesteps the assault and Shane flies into a broom closet.  Ryan closes the door.**

Charlie: I thought we were all friends in here.

Chase: I took it.

**Silence.  Chase’s head swivels around the room, addressing all of the stares**

Chase:  WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANT FROM ME.  I GOTTA SIT HERE AND WATCH WILSON VALDEZ–no offense Wilson–STRUT AROUND SECOND BASE LIKE HE’S THE KING OF THE DIRT, AND PLAY ADMIRABLY WELL, AND TIE THE GAME SOMETIMES, AND ALL I’VE GOT IS THIS WINDBREAKER AND THE SAD, DISTANT LOOK ON MY FACE.  I’M UNFULFILLED.  MY KNEE HURTS.  AND WHEN KYLE ASKED ME TO SEE YOUR HIGHNESS WITH HIM THE OTHER NIGHT BECAUSE IT LOOKED “PRETTY NIFTY,” I SNAPPED A LITTLE, OKAY?!  OKAY?!

**7 minutes of silence**

Wilson:  None taken.

**Everyone begins to file out of the clubhouse except Chase, who slouches in his chair, hands in his pockets.  Kyle stops on his way out.**

Kyle: You can keep it, Chase.  (Whispering) But if I could have that jersey…

**The sound of Shane bouncing off the walls of the broom closet and screaming scares Kyle, who flees from the room**