Phillies Deem Brian Schlitter Better than Drew Carpenter

“C’mon, Brian, all of Our Lady of Resurrection is behind you!!” says Dr. David L. Fishman, the sponsor of Brian Schlitter’s Baseball Reference page; but you can’t tell if he’s supporting or begging him.  A closer look at the page will tell you he pitched in seven games for the Cubs last year, and his ERA may be the age of your child if they’re starting to have more Facebook friends than you.

The Phillies decided Schlitter was worth all the Drew Carpenters on their 40-man roster, and DFA’d young Carpenter, never to be seen again, maybe.

Brian has played for three of our five minor league affiliates, because we drafted him in 2007, so really, we gave him his start and he should be grateful enough to play for free.  Of course, all he really did was get exchanged for Scott Eyre.  Which was nice, but sending Brian to another team didn’t really allow him to contribute directly to the cause.

After wandering into Chicago, Brian amounted that prize pig of an ERA before going nuts and chucking a baseball at the head of Carlos “Loose Cannon” Gomez, who failed entirely to get out of the way.  Damn it, Carlos. Don’t you know that’s how James Earl Jones went blind in The Sandlot? Why does no one have The Sandlot at the forefront of their mind when they’re batting?  It’s all I could think about in the batter’s box when I was Brian Schlitter’s ERA-years-old.

Anyways, after that, Brian entered and exited the Yankee’s roster with equal abruptness, and found himself jobless until recently, when the warm, ever-reaching embrace of the Philadelphia Phillies scooped him up and called him home.

And Drew Carpenter?  Well, this didn’t really help his odds of not being traded; but neither did that not quite Schlitter-esque ERA of 9.31 in the Majors.  At least they didn’t wait until the season started and they’d acquired Nelson Figueroa to cast him off this time.  Now, he’ll enter a new feverish frenzy for a pitching spot amongst the likes of Nate Bump and Drew Naylor and all those wonderful broken toys in Triple-A.

Now let’s just hope Brian becomes awesome, because that last name is just dying to be turned into a series of hilarious puns.