Joe Beimel to Play No Part in Phillies’ Main Revenge Scheme

You know you’re running out of money when most of your off season acquisitions open with descriptions like:

"“Joe Beimel certainly isn’t a household name, or a name that strikes fear in opposing batters.”—Kyle Phillippi"

Wait, but… “Joe Beimel” is the name from the headline.  That’s the guy we’re trying to get on the team.  This is… wait, this is bad news, isn’t it?!  No!  No, get it away!The Phillies have catelogued Beimel as enough money $1.25 million over 365 days) as they give Danys Baaez, so you know he must be worth more than… like, a cat or something.

In an off season marked by quiet, background changes; and then a bombastic, wildly unpredicted one, Joe Beimel is one of the former.  He is left handed.  Right now, the Phillies would send Ross Gload out there with a severed left arm from anyone and whip 50-mph fastballs in there like it was a lacrosse stick.  So the fact that Joe Beimel has a full set of body parts is his main appeal.

Thanks, Joe!

He’s never won against the Nationals, though, and he’s let them cash in on the 6.53 ERA he has against them, too.  So if Joe’s pitching, we will be forced to remove all forms of Werth-venge we’ve been cooking up, but its okay, because it would probably be good to take a break from that every once and again.

Just saying.  It can’t be great for overtall mental health.