Ruben Sneaks Out of Orlando with Dennys Reyes Under His Arm


Most of the big names are off the market–Gonzalez, Crawford, Werth, uh, Dennys Reyes–so you’re probably wondering just who in the heck Ruben plans on signing out of no where this off season.  The window for him to do something insane is quickly closing; the least he could do is give us an ambiguous, shadowy statement that clears nothing up.

"”We’ve run under the mantra of, ‘If you’re not trying, you’re not trying.’ “"

Thank you.  Jeez.

So this one time we were playing Rainbow Six: Vegas and my 360 red ring-ed and died.

NOOOOOOO!” I screamed, diving toward the machine, already physically ill from the thought of all those unkilled terrorists.  The next day, I tried a few antidotes from online or people who’d stopped by to comment on the tragedy:  wrapping it in a towel, shouting at it, smacking it aimlessly with a hammer.

In the end, I knew it was gone.  As I stared at the once fully functioning device full of zombie and Covenant corpses, I was disappointed, but not really sure what I expected to happen anyway.

Some would argue that because the Winter meetings are, you know, ending, that significantly hinders the Phillies’ chances executing any of their plans.  Well, yeah, you’re probably right.

Ruben claims he’d been setting up some traps, but people seem to no better than to wander into them this year.  So, we leave Orlando with a lefty reliever for a year, and without Jayson Werth.  Sticking to the plan–the “lefty relievers and a right fielder” plan, not the “we’re not trying when we’re trying not to try or whatever” plan–may be fun, too.

Left handed relievers are swimming around everywhere, but its indicative of the good old years, when we were laughing maniacally while tossing $1000 dollar bills out the window of a diamond-encrusted Hummer, that our breathing room has been minimalized.  Ruben sitting in the corner at the Winter Meetings just waiting for someone to ask him to dance, rather than trying to seduce the girl dancing on the bar, isn’t a shock.

So to review: We got Reyes ($1.1 mil for a year, maybe $1.35 mil for another), the Red Sox are punching the AL East to death, J-Dub is constructing a money pit, Carl Crawford’s blueprinting a bigger one, and Ruben’s head is full of unfulfilled secrets.

Hey, its Charlie!  What do you think about all this, Chuck?!

"“At this time last year, I was thinking [Danys] Baez could go two innings, but I think this year we found out he’s basically a one-inning guy.”"

Sure, if you want that inning to be a blood-soaked inning from hell, then shit yeah, Danys Baez is your guy.

…god, the Red Sox made out like thickly accented bandits.