Cliff Lee Forced to Probably Sign with Team that is Not Phillies

With Jayson Werth’s faith being slowly sealed like an overcapacity ziplock bag, and the final Phillies ball girl being plucked by destiny out of the historic thoroughfares of Levittown, PA (EDITOR’S NOTE: … birthplace of Robert Schooley, the creator of “Kim Possible!”), there’s not a lot of headline-shattering Phillies news out there.

Once more, we are forced to fall back on the cozy confines of sheer fantasy.

Hey, its Cliff Lee!

Now, I’m not going to sit here and tell you Cliff Lee is absent from my fantasies.  You don’t have to weird about it; he’s only ever playing baseball, striking out Robinson Cano in a repetitive loop, or baking me and a golden retriever peanut butter blossoms (okay, that one was a weird one).

But that’s why I’m labeling all this Lee-speak as fantasy, because I don’t even think it registers as a “rumor.”  Rumors are trashy, and greasy, and spoon-fed to couch-dwellers across the globe via the sardonic verbal meanderings of Stuart Scott.

Cliff Lee returning to Philly is just nice.  Except for every person who isn’t a Phillies fan; but hey, those people don’t really exist.

The Yankees have supposedly made an offer for $23 million a year–I’ll pause here for you to clean the coffee off your computer monitor–and the Rangers will apparently try their best to match it, as the Yankees execs stand outside a nearby window, mooning people and dancing around wheelbarrows full of burning money.

Where does that leave us?  Pretty much exactly where we were before: Not really a part of this in any way.  We showed our “interest,” sure, I mean, this is some pretty solid info from NBC Sports:

"“… some people I talk to who say they know a little about them are skeptical that [the Rangers] will lay out that kind of cash.”–Craig Calcaterra"

You heard the man: Something, from what we can gather at this point in time, has happened.

Film at eleven.