A Brief History of Green Man

Green Man has been many things.  A disfigured wallet-maker.  Creepy faces made out of leaves.  A British music festival.  A small glowing man who indicates to you when it is less hazardous to cross an intersection.

On September 13, 2007, Green Man was redefined once more.  It was an episode of “Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” on which, as we all know, Charlie dressed up in a full body spandex suit and was tricked into an acid trip by Danny DeVito while his friends tried out for the Eagles.

And Charlie is an alcoholic, possibly illiterate psychopath.  What better venue to imitate him than sports?

But on an episode of “Around the Horn,” universally accepted idiot Bill Plaschke complimented hockey fans for being so quirky and creative in response to footage of a couple of guys dressed like Green Man epically buzzing the penalty box at a Canucks-Kings playoff game.  It was a public acknowledgment of the ignorance to Green Man’s origins.

So let us shine an educated light on the symbol of whatever it means for to two faceless men in green body suits to be thrusting suggestively while upside down.

• November 28, 2008:  Green Man befuddles Cleveland Cavalier beat writers with an appearance at The Q, but gets little mention in the story because at this point, we were all still witnesses.

• December 4, 2008:  This was a startling piece of writing with the words “Green Man” and “Philadelphia” in it that I stumbled upon during research.

• April 27, 2009:  Robb McElhenney finally explains the origins of his Green Man to a crowd of UCLA students.  It turns out it was a drunk guy at an Eagles game.  You can’t make this stuff up.  Literally.

• August 2, 2009:  Green Man selects the somewhat more jarring venue of the Buick Open to dance for Tiger Woods.  Toby Mergler sees the chance to write an awesome article introducing this “cultural phenomenon” to the rest of the nation, who has known about it for almost a year.

• August 22, 2009:  Washington Nationals fans admit they want their home stadium to be more welcoming to brightly colored, dancing men in masks after Green Man shows up at a home game for some reason.

• September 25, 2009:  “America’s Next Top Model” contestant and sporadic apostrophe enthusiast Ra’Mon designs a dress that is predominantly green.  “Is it Swamp Thing or ‘Always Sunny in Philadelphia’s’ Green Man?” barbs TVTalk.com.  “Either way, it’s a loser for Ra’Mon.”  DAMN YOU ARE SO CULTURALLY RELEVANT TVTALK.COM ROFL.

• October 31, 2009: MSU student Jack Cogswell dresses up as Green Man for Halloween.  Police officers become curious and force to him to prove his identity by dancing for them on the side of the road.

• February 2010: One of many imitators, the University of Colorado basketball team is awarded its own incarnation of Green Man: Gold Man.  He’s terrible and looks like a melted trombone.

• April 2010:  Sully and The Force take the reins of Vancouver Canuck fandom (Where Green Man caught on like wild-livability-fire) and endlessly crotch-punch the penalty box during the NHL playoffs.

• June 12, 2010:  Green Man is there to see Ickey Woods lead the Cincinatti Sizzle against the Pittsburgh Force in a Woman’s Football Alliance matchup.  Green Man added a straw cowboy hat to the mix just give things that classic “Cincinnati” flavor, while Woods was humiliated 48-0.

• September 19, 2010:  “I saw this idiot come right at me,” Atlanta Braves outfielder Matt Diaz, after kicking a guy in a red “Green Man” suit to the ground.  A rare wave of applause is given to the opposing player.  He waves back.  It is a magical moment for Philadelphia sports.  “Red Man” would eventually be sentenced to 80 hours of community service and a lifelong disappointment to his parents.  The Braves would go on to lose five of their last six to the Phillies.

• October 30, 2010: Green Man was holding a probably an ironic “John 3:16” sign at “Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert’s Rally to Restore Sanity/Fear” in D.C.

• November 17, 2010:  Red Green Man latches onto his opponent at a Jiu-Jitsu tournament like a spandex-coated koala baby and constricts every muscle until he wins.