Cole Hamels Eats Eight Innings Alive

After Sports Illustrated grabbed as much of Jayson Werth as he would allow and ran with it to the end of a profile, everybody got to find out that Jayson Werth doesn’t want to be profiled.  If you ever think you have a thread of Jayson Werth’s thoughts, for the love of god, don’t pick it up and follow it, because it will apparently lead you nowhere but a shadowless void in an empty dimension, where time is swallowed by eons of nothingness.

What I’m saying is, you do not, and you will not ever know what’s going inside that galloping brain surrounded by a forest of deranged facial hair.

And that forested brain or whatever is now governed over by the same guy who put a leash on J.D. Drew and yanked him in another direction, that direction being “utter douchedom.”  Though to be fair, J.D. was probably headed there anyway.

Its not like Jayson’s new rep–the lovable Scott Boras–is invading Philadelphia for the first time.  He’s already got Ryan Madson and Dane Sardinha in his stable.  But it will be with all the tenderness and perspective of a cartoon jackal slobbering over a pile of dollar signs that Boras will most likely lead Jayson away from us, no matter how long Jayson wants to lead us on.

Oh well.

At least there’s this!

Phillies 3, Braves 1

Hahahahaohmygod.

I should probably behave myself, seeing as how the next few days on this very website will be filled with bad-ass guest postage from some pretty funny/pissed Braves bloggers.  But if there’s anything better than having an important game spelled out for you over Gamecast, its got to be getting n ever more important game relayed to you via text message on a train as you fade in an out of consciousness with a Vince Lombardi biography in your lap.

(717): Something great happened but I wasn’t watching.  Double play?

(484): Throw a fastball.  I dare you.

(717): Polanco drops the ball at 3rd, takes a deep breath & ponders the meaning of life, then throws the ball to first.

(385): Do you think a horse would like… love to fuck a unicorn?

(267): Whats the exchange rate from dollars to “homeless money” and by “homeless money” i of course mean “buttons”

(717): Tom got really REALLY excited so look into whatever great thing we accomplished tonight.

I would say that today was a game that was exciting via any medium, and that a horse would absolutely fuck a unicorn for the same reason a person would: to be able to say they did on their Phillies blog.

As soon as you read the words “Cole Hamels is 4-0 in September with a 0.63 ERA” you stagger a bit.  YesCole, that’s Cole.  He’s a big part of a 42-15 stretch.  That’s very good.  So is Chooch, who won’t stop until it sounds like everybody’s booing.

Tomorrow is more of the same with Roy Halladay.  STAY TUNED FOR GUEST STARS.