Phils Ninth Inning Rally Sponsored by Cubs’ Defense

When I got to college for the first time to begin the sick experiment of living on my own, there was a time when I assumed that very soon I would be dead.  I didn’t have any food my dorm, per se, except for the leftover pizza slice my dad bought when he was moving me in.  And that wasn’t even going to last me until the end of this sentence. Also it was upside down and on the floor.

There was a cafeteria, sure, but between me and it there was Philadelphia and judging by the body language of that dangerous-looking pack of children in their matching school t-shirts and holding hands as they cross the street, this city was festering with overly protective gang activity.

When I finally showed up at the food depository, my sheer ecstasy was soon replaced with confusion as it became known that the school laced all food with laxatives, in case of a food poisoning scare.

My point is, Jesse Biddle, you are doing just fine, you son of a bitch.

Phillies 4, Cubs 1

Ruben Amaro’s theory seems to be that if the Phillies play better baseball, they will be a batter team.  He doesn’t want to bring up Dom Brown.  He doesn’t want to have a to make a trade.  He is convinced that this team, his team, is still perfectly capable of all that winning they did so much of in 2008 and 2009.

But that didn’t stop him from cutting Juan Castro’s chord.  The .198-battin’ was pretty responsible for stadium-wide eye rolling with every step in the batter’s box.  A hot start while coming in for J-Roll won over the fans, but very soon, Juan was quietly adrift in a sea of mediocre-at-best baseball.

So the third game in Wrigley began without him.  Did it affect the outcome?  Sure, whatever.  The point is, he’s gone.

A bigger contribution to the 4-1 win would be Cole Hamels.  The standard theory with Cole is that we, as fans, should constantly run up to him, eyes wide as saucers, point, and scream at the top of our lungs.  What we are screaming at him, however, is the variant.

“YOU’RE THE BEST COLE I LOVE YOU.”

“COLE’S A FUCKING JOKE CUT HIM LOOSE”

“HE’S A SOLID NUMBER 2 STARTER”

“I WISH WE STILL HAD CLIFF LEE”

“HAMELZZ BLOOOWWWWZZZZ”

“CAN I HAZ HALLADAY LOL”

… and, so on.  Judgement is based on the last time we’ve looked at him.  Remember this past winter, when the Northeast was kidnapped and brutalized in a van by an endless assault of wintry weather?  And FOX News, in their limitless intelligence, swore that because there was presently snow on the ground, global warming didn’t exist?

I don’t want to link FOX News to Phillies fans, but the mentality is eerily, stupidly similar.

But even with the flawed logic of close-minded, tunnel vision-ed tomfoolery, looking at Cole yesterday was a treat, and not just because he’s got that California surfer swagger all the girls like to giggle about.  He allowed one run in eight innings, and despite not getting the loss, donated yet another game-eating, team-stopping performance.  When parts of the machine break down, sometimes the best comfort is to get a good look at the parts that are working, and Cole was well oiled yesterday.

When the ninth inning rolled around, and the Phillies offense had spent the previous eight returning to the dugout, unable to look their starting pitcher in the eye, someone ran into my apartment, shoved a Cubs’ blooper reel into the DVD player, and claimed it was the same game I had been watching.  Then they left, never to be seen again.

It is no secret the Cubs’ imploding defense was to thank for run support yesterday.  Even though Placido Polanco punched his way back onto the lineup from the DL (yaaaaaaay) and before the game Jayson Werth got called into the principal’s office yesterday–and went 2-for-4 with a bases loaded walk–the offense was merely the background player in a comedy of errors.

Well, the finale’s today, and maybe we can split it with Doc throwing a fit on the mound.  We’re spinning our tires, slowly recovering, still more games back than we should be.  But the Cubs could be going through a regime change!  So, the question is, who can out-weakly attack the other with the most success?

Its like watching a snail fight.