And Then It Happened: The 2010 All-Star Game

They said it would be a pitcher’s duel.  But, instead of two aces at the tops of their game; painting the corner, slamming the door, going blow for blow as they turn each other’s lineups into casualties of a vicious shootout… it was more like two barbarian hordes, stumbling upon each other in the woods.

Bloodstained, antique blades in their hands, a quiet moment of awkward realization passed between them before a savage display of gutteral violence exploded, splattering guts and splintering bones as woodland creatures flee for their lives, sobbing for a time when these woods were a peaceful place.

They blew through the first five innings in the time it took for me to turn on the TV and blink.

Then, some of the FOX producers radioed down to the dugouts to let them know there was a host of Taco Bell ads left to play, and if they wanted to have an All-Star game next year, they better tell the pitchers to throw to first and the batters to step out of the box and Tim McCarver to do that thing where words come out of his mouth but all anybody hears is wrongly-ordered stories about nothing.

Innings 6-9, therefore, crawled along like a barbarian with only one of his limbs left, screaming in agonizing pain as he drags what’s left of his carnaged torso through a desolate forest.

Uh… sorry.  I was knee-deep in video game references today.

NL 3, AL 1

I am so excited about this I could turn off my computer and go to sleep.  It was nice to see the NL win, certainly after 13 years of “Oh, they lost.”  But that’s why we have words like “nice” in our language.  It was simple and quiet and a little fun, but not really because I definitely turned my TV off before I even found out who the MVP was.

“Nice.”  Its why the word is so short.

Phillies in the 2010 All-Star Game

Ryan Howard

Well, he certainly hit that one ground ball pretty hard.  Also he struck out.  Welcome to what Ryan Howard does a lot, rest of the National League!  But really, though, he is quite good.  Hope he’s tying one on tonight.

Roy Halladay

He allowed a hit, right?  I think I went downstairs to take my laundry out of the dryer.  And then this cute girl walked into my building and I stopped to talk to her.  I mentioned the All-Star game, and she didn’t know what I was referring to.  She seemed like the kind of girl whose boyfriend’s Facebook picture is him drinking a PBR underwater.  Then I dropped a bunch of my socks on the way back up the stairs and spent five minutes comically picking them up.

Charlie Manuel

Hey now, leave it to Cholly to bust a 13-year win drought.  Also, leave it to Girardi to make some questionable, highly dumbass decisions.  I’m no A-Rod fan–as if I had to inform you of that–but the reason he should have been up there is one of the reasons I hate him.

Though I guess we should be glad he didn’t get kicked out and/or suspended for touching people.  (Roommate and I were discussing how funny/god damn awful for baseball it would be if there were somehow to be a bases clearing brawl at the All-Star Game).

Coaching Staff

I did not realize Davey Lopes was that short.  Also, the reason we won was sign stealing.  Victory never tasted so sweet.

Alrighty, back to the grind on Thursday in Chicago.  And no jokes about who is really going to benefit from the World Series home field advantage.  We’re still trying to do a thing.