Roy Halladay Gets Run Support From Greg Dobbs; World Explodes

“I did it,” Greg exclaimed, rounding the bases,  “I actually did it!”

A cheering Citizens Bank Park crowd was barely able to celebrate this fact before the entire Earth, overwhelmed by Dobbs’ offensive production, was immediately consumed by fire and noise.

And that was it.

Phillies 3, Braves 1

When you lose 3 out of 4 to the Pirates, odds are not in your favor.  In fact, the mentality going into your next series could be anywhere from lowly despair to decisive rage.  This road trip was not the red carpet leading up to a Braves series that we needed.  The Reds are no longer the wallowing backwash of the NL Central, and the Pirates… totally are.  Just not when we play them.

So it would make sense that, while wandering aimlessly into a critical Braves series, things would start off pretty shittily.  Sure, Roy Halladay gets the ball, but the Phillies have gone out of their way to prove in the last few weeks that having Doc on the mound by no means secures a victory.  Even when he pitches one.

To have Roy get the win he deserves despite minimal offense is a pleasant enough surprise, but to have that offense come off the bat of Greg Dobbs, well… that’s just stupid.  He’s terrible.  A second ago he was downgraded to the minors. Now he’s the punctuation of an incomplete sentence.

I… guess that’s an upgrade.

Obviously, I’m not going to be the guy who is stupid enough to celebrate this.  A big win, yes.  But, in the words of Bobby Bonilla, “Even a blind squirrel finds a [$1.19 million] nut.”  You can take the Mets out of last place, but you can’t take the last place out of the Mets.

Roy Halladay, meanwhile, is a squirrel with 20-20 vision.  Actually, if we’re talking woodland creatures (And when AREN’T we on this blog?!) he was really really more like a bear who stumbled onto a camp site and just mauled/raped the shit out of everybody while blind squirrels everywhere shivered in terror at the sounds coming from what used to be Camp Site 2-G.

Roy now has more complete games than any other pitching staff in the Majors, save Seattle.  The Braves didn’t hit him once when they had two strikes on them.  None of the right handed hitters hit him.

Which would all be very impressive if the Phillies could make a habit of mustering the offense to secure a win during such a maelstrom of untouchable pitching.  I mean, seriously, what in the hell is keeping them from winning every time he pitches?  Nobody can win every time, but aren’t they sick of giving despondent post game reactions to reporters after Doc has broken the neck of every possible writhing hitter in an opposing line up?  Come the fuck on, people.

WORK WITH HIM.

Now I’m just complaining for no reason.

But, that’s what you get when you’re hero of the day is a guy who’s OBP is lower than my damn pay check.  That is very low, Greg Dobbs, so if you want to start hitting home runs and everything, if you make the conscious decision to stave off being a career IronPig, if you really want to to start being a baseball player, you will take that bat in your hands and put a beating on the ball not seen since that seen in Irreversible that nobody likes to talk about.

Roy doesn’t play every day.  But neither does the offense.  So keep your shit together, Ryan, Jimmy, Jayson, Shane, Raul, and whoever the hell else is even playing anymore.