Scott Rolen Hits HR; is Disappointment to Parents


Sure, you’ve read about my thoughts on the Phillies, but have you ever heard them out loud?  If you’d prefer to expose yourself to a much more soundier version of this blog, with far less swearing, bitching, and girlish squealing–it’s hardly idenfiable, really–the check out last night’s episode of Sports Talk Soup with the Godfather, Vito Chirco.

I got to blossom word-flowers all over internet radio while the Phillies crapped shit-berries all over The Great American Ballpark that is for some reason in Cincinnati.

"“…it’s better winning than not.”  -Reds outfielder Layne Nixon"

Reds 7, Phillies 3

To be fair, it was a home run off Kyle Kendrick, so.  Are they even still counting those?

Today, Indiana-grown Scott Rolen was part of a 7-run assault of red-on-red baseball.  The winner?  The Reds.  His two run blast really got things going for Cincinnati, which is what a team chasing first place should be doing.  Starting things.

And he got to do it in front of his parents, which is every baseball players’ dream. But, if you’re really special, you can do it on the night of their 45th anniversary and nobody will even care that you didn’t get them a card.

Clearly, Rolen doesn’t particularly care about his parents, because their anniversary was last night.  Some guys just crumble under pressure, I guess. Rolen had these hilariously retrospective words to say after his complete two-run failure off Kendrick in the bottom of the 4th:

"“But I guess it goes to show you that when you try to force something, it usually doesn’t work out.”"

Ha, ha.  Good one.

KK once again figured out where the puzzle was, but when asked to put it together, he choked to death on the pieces. Five earned runs through 6.1 innings got him an early exit, at which point the score was 6-1.

The score was so bad Danys Baez could have pitched in this game, and even he didn’t.  Had to settle for a little David Herndon, J.C. Romero, Mike Zagurski action, and for their sakes they only allowed one more run between them (It was Zagurksi’s).  They also recorded only one strike out between them (Also Zagurski’s).

Well, if Kendrick’s getting hammered, we’ll use that famous offense to even the score!  Literally this time!  Did you know that the Phillies have averaged 6.5 runs in their previous 12 games?!

Well, the Phillis couldn’t scare up even half a run until the top of the 7th, when Raul singled in Howard.  Raul also hit a home run in the ninth to nonchalantly bring the score to 7-3.  And that’s where it stayed.  Kendrick got to leave, soaking in another loss, Raul can smile because he did something–like a dog who just found one of his old toys buried in the yard–and the bullpen held back the tide, which had actually already flooded the joint, but whatever.

All this talk about Kendrick plummeting his record to 6-6 is making me wonder where the hell J.A. Happ is.

Apparently, fifth time’s the charm when it comes to Happ’s rehab starts, as its been said he will return to the club after his next appearance, but isn’t this familiar?  Do we put too much effort into assuming that a returning player will turn things around?  J-Roll helped rise out of the slump, yes, mainly because of that “game-winning-home-run” thing he does.

The back of the rotation could use some polish, and a healthy return from Happ could mean that a fresh starter is not a dire acquisition at the moment.  Other needs could be met, like further solidifying that pen, or offensive depth, or having enough capsules of Quaalude for Danys Baez to never find his way home.

But, that’s merely the speculations of the near future.  Its important to focus on the present as well, and if you’d bother to check, you’d see that our present is particularly white-knuckled.  Chase Utley left the game early and scheduled to have an MRI tomorrow, thanks an injury to his right thumb.

His teammates’ reactions were a combination of confusion and horror.

"“He’s one of the last guys that’s going to take himself out unless there’s something that’s really bothering him.”  -Ryan Howard"

"“… that’s the last guy that’s going to take himself out of a game.  He’s obviously hurting. I hope he’s not seriously hurt.”  -Shane Victorino"

With Chase, you could hit him with a dump truck, and he’d just ask for two minutes the pick his teeth out of the grill and pop them back into his head.  But his teammates seem to think that by leaving the field before the game was over, Chase has to have been secretly dying.

A blown start and a banged thumb later, we’re at the wrong end of a 7-3 stomp.  We cannot let these series get away from us.  It would be a mistake to stroll up to Atlanta in early July, coated with the fresh stench of loss.  And no awesome, verbally profound internet radio interview is going to change that.