Phillies to Quell Losing Streak with Contractual Gridlock


Nothing helps stop a monotonous cascade to a division’s festering underbelly like a good old fashioned contractual “impasse” with Jayson Werth.

Never mind this season, which has managed to hustle its way into a losing streak that even Roy Halladay couldn’t tamper with successfully.  Let’s start the god-awful process of determining just how likely it is that Jayson Werth will be a Giant or a Met or a (*Vomits into bag*) Yankee in 2011.  Did you know he’s the only starter without an extension past this year?  Yeah, you probably did.  Sorry.

The Phillies are claiming that Ryan Howard’s marriage proposal through 2014 hasn’t devoured the rest of their money that could easily go to a Werth extension.  I’m no responsible adult, but aren’t people less inclined to announce when they’ve run out of money?  Don’t they quietly announce they’re broke, then walk away from the kitchen table to have a massive screaming fit in the backyard that they think nobody can hear?  Or am I just drawing another incorrect conclusion from my memories of “Family Monopoly Night” as a child?

Well, at least Brad Lidge is coming back.  That’s something.  In the same way that a computer or a bag of chips is something.  I don’t know what I’m feeling, but it’s not “relief” and its not “horror” so why don’t we just sit back and watch what unfolds.

In the mean time, there’s a series finale to not suck in, so let’s try to turn it around against…

Phillies-Giants, 3:45 pm, AT&T Park

… Tim Lincecum?!  Fuck.

You know, in the past, a Cole Hamels-Tim Lincecum matchup may have been the game of the week.  Except it wasn’t.  Because the last time they faced each other, Lincecum was even younger and hadn’t quite found his way in the majors, which, honestly, I can’t remember a time when Tim Lincecum wasn’t eating batters alive, so we’ll just have to assume that that really happened.

Here’s some distressing numbers regarding the Phillies recent slimey oozing out of first place (to the Mets.  The Mets).  I’m glad somebody else wrote that, because now I don’t have to.

Assuming the offensive “quiet time” will end some day (You don’t even want an update on the 2nd Base Chase), I hope that the Phillies strategy of “giving them millions of dollars” may help spur things along.  Otherwise, this is going to get ugly.  Fast.

It all starts with Cole.  Charlie Manuel’s advice is for him to avoid rushing and to just stay with a cool, fluid pace.  My advice is to “AAAA JUST PITCH,” according to last week’s outburst at the TV.  My neighbor’s advice is “that boy needs to get a damn haircut, mm-hmm.”

If Cole can make some sort of hybrid, mega-advice from all three, he should be set.  But the curve needs to curve and the cutter needs to cut and the fastball needs to not be on the other side of the outfield wall.  If staying slow can accomplish that, then I hope to god Charlie has the foresight to keep him on a short leash if he sees him start to hit the panic button.

That, and we need some offense.  Miraculous, mind-shattering double plays don’t score runs.

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