Negative Nancy: Get Out of Here


I realize I completely ignored J.A. Happ’s stunning pitching and Ryan Howard’s paramount offense that propelled us over the Braves on Sunday.  Every time I sat down to write something about the weekend, I kept having these weird black outs, where I would envision I was sitting in the stands behind first base at Saturday’s game.

It would all happen in slow motion, in complete silence, with intense classical music playing.  I could see it unfold, again and again, as Lidge barely managed getting the ball off the ground, and when he would rear back to throw, I would stand up, horrified, screaming “NOOOOOOO!!!”

The next thing I’d know, I’d come out of it, and somehow be standing in front of Citizens Bank Park, my fists clenched so tightly that my hands were bleeding, and an 80-90% chance that I’d pissed myself.

Then I’d have to buy more subway tokens to get home.  It was an extremely time-consuming mental condition.

So, in an attempt to keep myself sane, I’m going to focus on the positives, which I feel is something I do all too rarely. We went 5/6 for the road trip, as abbreviated as it was, and now we’re returning home with Pedro, a guy whose proven himself, somewhat.

We now prepare to face the coughing, sputtering D-Back-mobile as it rolls into town, fresh off a four game losing streak.

When you say it like that, it’s hard NOT to be positive.

I mean, sure, you could go back to my original argument; that we haven’t really gotten a chance to see Pedro under real PRESSURE yet, but–

Well, I just got back from another trip home from CBP.  They keep saying I should see a doctor, but all he’s really going to tell me is that I’m “severely unstable,” so, come on.  Pointless.

This upcoming Diamondbacks series should be a continuation of our current hot streak, which is not a hot streak of shit this time around.

We’ll be throwing Pedro (I never refer to him by his last name.  Is that weird?), Lee, and Blanton at the Snakes, who are three guys that I have faith in, to different degrees.

Lee is going up against Dan Haren, a man whose shaggy beard and devastating split-finger fastball evoked images of a murderous, train-hopping hobo who decided to play baseball.  Even with the below .200 average the Phils have against him this year (.190), we’ve got a great chance to blow him out of the water.

The man’s post All-Star year has been less than stellar, and with Lee’s performances only getting better, Haren no longer seems to be the other-worldly threat that he was earlier this year, while terrifying NL hitters.

And Blanton.  I’ve stated my fondness for Blanton previously.  Not only is the guy a strike machine, but he has proven that he is capable of tossing a baseball several feet into RYAN HOWARD’S GIANT GLOVE.

No worries there.

This should be a highly victorious series for the Phils, and I’m looking forward to riding this win streak into September. That NL East lead has been a pretty solid 4.5-5 games for a little while now, so it has got to be on their minds that some insurance wins are extremely necessary.

Let’s all hold hands and pray that Brad Li–

DAMN IT.  $2.90 for TWO tokens!