The Keys to a Shiny New Pedro


Last night was the Phillies’ 16th birthday, and daddy parked a sparkling Pedro in the driveway just before they got home from school.  Let’s just hope they don’t wrap him around a tree the first time they take him out for a spin.

Last night’s victory had everything you need to feel satisfied and calm about a baseball game:  an endless series of base hits, everybody contributing, some quality pitching, and, just like every social gathering of people from Chicago, there was some childish beer-throwing.

How unsurprised was it to see some white-shirted jackass, standing with his back to the game, waving his arms wildly and smiling while trying to talk his way out of being escorted out.

“Yeah, bro!  Ted was like, ‘You should totally chuck that beer at Victorino,’ and I was like ‘Ohmyfawkinggod!  That’d be awesome,’ and he was like, ‘You should do it!  I’ll get the video on my iPhone and we’ll post it online  later tonight!’  So, I chuck my beer down there and it was THE COOLEST THING EVER!  I mean, yeah, the Cubs still got pounded, Victorino still caught the ball, and I’m still a classless tool using deliberate, obnoxious social actions as a crutch to support me between MySpace sob sessions, but hey!  I threw a beer!”

“That’s the Chicago way.” –Sean Connery, The Untouchables

Anywho, the my issue here is whether we’ve seen Pedro for real.  He looks like a nice ride and all, and those 12 runs were pretty nice, but are we going to open the hood and find a cardboard engine?  He didn’t really have a stressful moment all night, because if that game had been close at all, the beer incident would have probably gotten a lot more attention.

What pitcher isn’t going to perform well with insane run support like that?  Don’t get me wrong, it was nice to see everybody remembering to flick the “on” switch on their bats, but all the anticipation leading up to Pedro’s first start was aroused for a reason.

And not just because the media played it up to the point where ESPN decided to air a game, show, or commercial that didn’t feature A-Rod and that serpentine cheater’s smile of his.

I’m still concerned.  Pedro pitched well, but not masterfully, and certainly not like he used to.  When he’s on the mound later in the year, with runners on the corners, no outs, and a much smaller lead thanks to Jayson Werth somehow losing the ball in his jersey, we’re going to see what he’s made of.

Only then will we see what we paid for.

But I will celebrate last night’s victory.  We jumped a little further ahead of the Marlins and, despite the effect the offense had on observing Pedro, it was truly comforting to see everybody hit.

Do the Cubs come to Citizens Bank again this year?  You know Alfonso Soriano is going to find himself smelling like a $7.00 Miller Lite if they do.

And then security will throw out the nearest Cubs fan while everybody in Asburn Alley chants, “ASS-HOLE.  ASS-HOLE.”

That’s the Philadelphia way.