Why Won’t the Phanatic Shoot Me A Damn Hot Dog?!

J.A. Happ throws a CG shut out and hits a double.  Cliff Lee wins his second in a row as a Phillie.  Jimmy Rollins continues to redeem himself for the first-half anti-hitting chip in his brain.  And Paul Bako hit a home run.

Nothing in recent memory has left me more in a state of mind-scrambled, stuttering, sputtering disorientation.  I saw the ball go over the fence, but it came off Bako’s bat, so…it was like throwing a Rubik’s Cube in the dryer and waiting long enough for it to solve itself.

Even Gary Matthews regarded it as “unbelievable.”

And I am so, so very sick about speculating on how the rotation is going to wind up.  Outside of some first class pitching in the past few days, nothing much has changed.  Now, instead of re-hashing what I said yesterday, which is actually what I did yesterday, I’m going to lay down some complaints I have.

Why won’t the Phanatic shoot me a damn hot dog?

Children, I appreciate your size and all, but why not let the adults have some fun?  Which is to say, some prizes?  Its not enough that the free giveaways stop when you’re male and 15, except our annual hat on Father’s Day, but now you just have to have everything that comes into the stands?

All right, so people say it’s “weird” and “inappropriate” to “physically force children out of the way” when Shane Victorino is looking for someone to toss the warm up ball to as the inning starts.  I’m over that part of my life, I…I was a different person then.

But when the Phanatic comes barreling out of the tunnel on his four wheeler with his giant, wiener-shaped hot dog gun, I get just as excited as any other kid person.  He unleashes a mighty salvo on the third base crowd, rolls over to left field (where my seats are), fires off a sympathy dog, and then continues over to the first base side like we weren’t even there.

Let me tell you something.  Kids are at the park with their parents.  Their parents are there to buy them all the hot dogs they want. But I’m standing there, with both my stomach and wallet empty, and the one time there’s free food, everybody’s in a rush to put it in the hands of an adolescent.

I drove to the game, children.  Well, no I didn’t, but I took the subway, which I am allowed to do, by myself. I earned that hot dog.  Sit down and enjoy your Charlie Manuel bobblehead…which I was too old to enjoy, apparently.

It’s not even fun to beat the Mets anymore.

Do the Mets keep the number of games they’re above the Nationals on a dry erase board by the exit so every player sees it on their way out ?  At least then, they’d feel like they were accomplishing something.

There will never be a time or place that seeing the Mets lose doesn’t make better.  But, come on, we’ve got a double header coming up September 13, and the past few years, the race has been close enough to taunt them.  From fourth place, they won’t even be able to hear us tell them they suck.

Not that it will stop anyone.

Is Gary Matthews going to stop using air time to whore himself out?

From Wikipedia:  “Matthews’ rise as a color commentator has been attributed to his fedora collection.”

That’s…that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

“That’s a nice hat, sir.  Would you like to be a person whose job is to speak into a microphone?”

“Only if I can bring up my son or hats all the time.”

The part of this that really shrieks in my ear is when one of the other commentators leads him into it, like, “Hey, I saw those hats, Sarge,” and then he goes into his pitch for a collection of hats that are apparently so irresistible, you can’t wear one without getting a job in professional baseball.

I realize baseball can be slow and painful, like being dragged through a briar patch by Jamie Moyer.  But if we’re going to start having commercials during the game…and I mean, other than all those banners that are unavoidable to the human eye…than this game is going to become something we don’t want:  The NBA.

And it will all be Gary Matthews’ fault.

Yeah.

Also, when I Googled “gary matthews sarge hat shirts,” why was the second link down “Are Cubs fans Racist?”