“Oh sh*t, somebody has to start Tuesday,” Remembers Phillies Management in Middle of Night

Staff thriving under new “Well somebody’s got to go out there,” mentality

Howard Smith-US PRESSWIRE

The Phillies will kick off their final series of the year in Washington, where a lukewarm Nationals squad is floating tepidly toward the post season.  There would certainly be some small morsel of pleasure to get from destroying them, and there is no better way to do so than to trot one of our talented or at least young arms out there to set the tone.

It’s supposed to be Tyler Cloyd’s turn, but at the moment, he’s run into a bit of a snag.

Cloyd, accustomed to the posh, lavish lifestyle of the minor league baseball player, does not have the physicality to pitch into the autumn.  His International League battery mates threw in the towel weeks ago, and in all likelihood, he is merely counting down the hours until he can join them on the IronPig Party Boat as it floats down the Lehigh River, docking only to tear up quiet Eastern Pennsylvania suburbs.

Rich Dubee played catch with Cloyd just days ago; but don’t be mistaken.  This wasn’t anything like the whimsical Saturday afternoon tosses you’d have with your pa–unless those would include intense silence, constant monitoring, and Tyler Cloyd crying his eyes bloodshot.

Dubee came out of the experience announcing that he didn’t know who would be starting for the Phillies on Tuesday.  But it wouldn’t be Cloyd.

“Maybe it’ll be a position player,” Dubee said without laughing I presume.  Was this an attempt at humor?  Or is a Michael Martinez start in our near future?  He has to be effective somewhere on the field, and pitching could be the only position he hasn’t played.

But, Rich Dubee’s flawless sense of humor aside, someone has to go out there and throw the ball come Tuesday.  Roy Halladay is being safely packed back into his hyperbolic chamber for the winter.  It won’t be Cole Hamels or Cliff Lee’s turn in the rotation.  Vance Worley ran away from home, the aforementioned Cloyd has been sidelined by overpitchery, and Kyle Kendrick is grounded.

On Tuesday, we’ll be greeted by a mystery guest.  And, as I just realized, it is probably going to be Rich Dubee wearing a fake mustache.