Kyle Kendrick Impresses with Dominant Performance Against Horse Sh*t Team

Watching Kyle Kendrick throw seven solid innings is like watching Roy Halladay throw seven solid innings, only you’re immediately suspicious of his success as a fluke or brought about by the curious magic of a South Florida swamp nymph, taking advantage of Kyle’s chidlike mind.

But no matter what mythic figure from the wetlands with ambiguous motives is to credit for tonight’s fluke, Kendrick did indeed shut down the worst team in the league for seven innings, striking out six and allowing no walks and five hits, none for extra bases.

The game started with Josh Johnson throwing a ball, and then on a 1-0 count, giving up a frightening home run to right field from Jimmy Rollins’ sense or urgency.  The vibe was set; the momentum acquired.  Tonight would be a feat of strength to back one of our weaker arms.

And then, for the next eight innings, zero stuff happened.  Josh Johnson threw well, better than KK, really; and Greg Dobbs had another error.  Oh, Rob Brantly made his Major League debut.

Other than that though, this game boiled down to the strength of your own personal beliefs in mystic creatures from the bog.

When It All Went Right

Apparently, Kendrick got a talking-to from Rich Dubee and Charlie Manuel and his father after his last start and, collectively, they set him straight via tips on fixing his mechanics and threats that he won’t be allowed to stay up and watch the rest of Shark Week or have any Go-Gurts in his lunch.

Most Attractive Play

Brian Schneider got to do his best Erik Kratz impression tonight and hurled out Jose Reyes at second.  This is better than the Erik Kratz impression he tried a few days ago that everyone agreed wasn’t very funny and pretty mean-spirited and then Kratz showed everybody his Brian Schneider impression and they all laughed and laughed and applauded loudly because lololol what can’t Kratz do well.

Hero

J-Roll, for not allowing this to be a horrible 0-0 tie in the bottom of the 27th right now.

Villain

You know Josh Johnson struck out more guys and went deeper into the game than Kendrick?  Boy he really deserved to win this one.