Eric Hartline-US PRESSWIRE

Vance Worley Injury Diagnosis Comes with Side of Bone Chips


We all love Vance Worley, but sadly, our love does not create a protective bubble around him, deflecting all means of negativity and injury and people making fun of him because of his rec specs which is dumb anyway because, as Vance probably tried to explain, the eye doctor says rec-specs are like glasses, but cooler.

But it’s not Vance’s eyes that are the problem now.  It’s his bone chips.  They’re all over his shoulder.  And there’s nothing we can do to stop them.  Very soon, the chips be in complete control of his body, turning him into a meat puppet, slowly harvested by their sinister, parasitic demands.

And when one of your pitchers turns into a host to a few fragments of bone, it may be time to take a gander at who else is on the market, just so there’s not an empty-faced Vance Worley out there on the pitchers mound, staring bleakly at a confused Chooch and holding up the game because as the bone chips scramble to figure out how to make his arm work and throw off suspicion.

Sadly, our favorite mohawked starter may be on his way to an untimely end.  Or… is he…

“Man up.  That’s the only thing I can do. I’ll just grit and grind out there.”

–Vance Worley, when asked what he will do besides rest. Behind him, women swooned.  Men too.  Everybody.

Afetrwards, I’m sure somebody confirmed that Vance will absolutely not pitch if he is constant pain or in danger of destroying his own body just to prove he is a man.  It is too early on to tell if the statement was an actual intention or just the blurring of reality on Vance’s part as the bone chips and the pain they cause turn him into a fevered zombie.  But it was classic Vance either way, which was refreshing.

So, as a team that recently hopped back down to .500 while entering a series with their newest rivals, I think I speak for all of us when I say WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US, BONE CHIPS?!  MY GOD, HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ENOUGH ALREADY!!!  GO BACK TO THE DEPTHS OF HELL FROM WHICH YOU SLITHERED YOU MANIACAL PARASITES!! AAAAAAAAA–

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