Roy Halladay Abandons Phillies When Team Needs Him Most

The Phillies spent last night and most of this morning in their jammies, sitting in a circle, wrapped in blankets and sipping cocoa, talking about how last night’ game most affected them.  When it came time for Roy Halladay to share, all they heard was the sound of clothes being shoved in a rollaway suitcase and the door being slammed in their face.

“But… where is he going?” the Phillies asked, having visions of Roy Oswalt “…going out to buy cigarettes” from the driver’s seat of his car last season.

The truth is, nobody knows where Roy Halladay is going.  We just know he’s never coming back.

If you watched the Phillies game last night, you probably hate yourself.  This is due to the misdirected emotions that flooded your brain as a result of that game.  Instinctively, you want to blame someone, so that your unused profanity can spew forth in a sweet, sweet vulgar release.  But the culprit appears to be Roy Halladay, who gave up six runs in one inning and only the fourth grand slam of his career.  You can’t… actually blame Doc for something.  Even if he does.

However, we have now clear evidence that Roy Halladay is an unfixable mess who is leaving to ride the rails, spinning tales of his past greatness, and systematically murdering the nine guys in the Atlanta Braves starting lineup for May 2, 2012, decades after the fact.

Sure, we’re being informed that Roy will “return on Friday.”  They always say they’re coming back.  Otherwise we’d chase them down the street, in an undignified display of human dependency.

“WHO ARE WE WITHOUT YOU?!” we’d cry.  “Cliff’s on the DL!  Cole might leave!  Ryan and Chase are lost in the netherworlds!”

But there would be no reply.  Only the sound of a quiet car engine, leaving us forever.

Well, then, go.  GO.  WHO NEEDS YOU.  OTHER THAN EVERY BASEBALL TEAM IN THE WORLD.  We’ll just be here, speculating on your every move, concocting theories as to your recent struggles, and then forming them into an ambiguously “accurate” narrative (YEAH I SAID IT RICCO).

Oh god why do you hate us.