Loria Wants Us All to Know How “Cool” Miami Is

I can imagine how this works.  Marlins owner Jeffery Loria staring into a mirror, practicing his Spanish, trying like hell to remember how to mix a decent martini.  David Samson bursts into the room nearly blind with worry, “They’re here Jeff!”  “Christ, I hope we bought enough cups. tell me we bought enough cups, this isn’t Logan fucking Morrison, these guys actually know how baseball works!”  Loria pushes past his team president as he falls to the floor either suffering a panic attack or dying and makes his way into his gleaming new stadium.

Jose Reyes and Albert Pujols lock eyes across the room.  Pujols quickly averts his gaze, hoping the the shortstop chooses to talk to Hanely Ramirez, or literally anyone else in the world.  “Hey buddy!”  Reyes extends his hand, Pujols hesitates and shakes it.  “What are you doing here Jose?”  As Reyes starts to speak, both men are embraced by a smiling Jeffrey Loria.

“How do you guys like Miami?”  Loria says in pidgin Spanish.  “Have you met Mark and Yo-Yo…. the Cuban kid?”  Mark Buehrle and Yoenis Cespedes emerge from behind a large potted plant where they were obviously hiding from Reyes.  “Wouldn’t you guys love to play together in the coolest city in America inside the coolest new ballpark?”  “Now how about a martini?!”

“He better have a shit ton of money.”  all four men say simultaneously.

Obviously I have a firm grasp on the free agency process.  Something the equivalent of a high school kegger thrown by a 70 year old Yale graduate for a bunch of millionaire free agents  I just hope that this does not signal one of the random years in which the Marlins decode to contend by acquiring really good players.  The franchise already has won two world series championships (1997 & 2003) in its relatively short lifespan.

Reyes is a douchebag, but he is a good baseball player.  The Marlins already have another super-talented pain in the ass in the person of Hanley Ramirez and Abert Pujols is coming off of a season in which he helped ruin all of our collective off seasons.  Here’s to hoping that the “splash” that Jeff Loria is attempting to make is having these guys ooh and ahh at his new stadium.  I personally don’t want to see any other good players in Miami.  Hopefully their awful new uniforms convince any player to stay away.

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Tags: Albert Pujols Jeffrey Loria Miami Marlins Reyes

  • http://calltothepen.com/ SorianoJoe

    Haha, nice one man. I’m not really sold on the Miami Marlins, and Jeff Loria is one of my least favorite owners in professional sports. I would hate to play for the Marlins, unless if they “had a shit ton of money”. This was one of the funniest baseball articles I have read in a while. In case you were wondering, I write for Call to the Pen and will be commenting on other FanSided baseball blogs from time to time to check out other content.