Dodgers Can’t Even No-Hit Phillies


How is Kyle Kendrick already pitching again?  I feel like it was just a few days ago that I was silently chewing mouthfuls of a giant sandwich while staring menacingly at the TV as Kyle slowly but surely allowed another one of his patented disaster innings bleed into a Phillies loss.

And yeah, maybe my caffeine intake is “dangerously high,” and my hours of sleep every night are “dangerously low,” and the broken bottles I throw at the wall are “really dangerous,” but watching Kyle take the mound is like watching your kid go into surgery.  Only he’s performing it on himself despite being unconscious the whole time.

“How will this work?” you ask during the pregame.

Sometimes it does, and your genius child winds up on the cover of science magazines.  And other times, a lot of times, it doesn’t, and we all watch him fail and die.

Philadelphia Phillies starting pitcher Kyle Kendrick throws a pitch to the New York Yankees in the seventh inning of their MLB inter-league baseball game at Yankee Stadium in New York, June 17, 2010. REUTERS/Ray Stubblebine (UNITED STATES - Tags: SPORT BASEBALL)

YOU ARE THE REASON I DON'T BELIEVE IN YOU.

Dodgers 3, Phillies 0

Okay, maybe he’s not the last few scrapings from the surface of hell, maybe he turns out a solid outing when he can, but every description of this guy uses the word “serviceable,” which any English major can tell you is not the best that he could be.

But why dwell on the shameful losses of the future when we can clutch desperately to the losses of the past?

Nobody’s looking for a nuclear explosion from the Phillies offense right now.  Which is to say, everyone is, we’re just all acting like we’re not expecting it, so if it will actually happens, and we can pretend to be surprised.

But on the surface, we’re not.  We achieved some success in San Diego playing small ball, whether it was on purpose or not, and sustained some abysmal failures playing that same style ball against Houston.

Last night, the Phils decided how successful they could be if they turned the volume all the way down and, boy, was it ever a disaster.  Dodgers starter Hiroki Kuroda toyed the Phillies into a no-hit bid, until Shane Victorino singled in th 8th.  Which saved us from facing the undeniable embarrassment of being no-hit, and welcomed us into the undeniable embarrassment of being one-hit.

The Phillies and Braves actually did different things last night, but they were the wrong kinds of things, so the Philes lost ground in the NL East and the Dodgers got to pretend that they are even still in the Wild Card race, which they are not.

Okay, that’s harsh.  Maybe we should heed the words of former backup/fuck-up Phillies catcher Rod Barajas, who now believes in the… Dodgers?  Is that who he plays for? Eh, who cares.

Yeah.  So.

Onward toward tonight, when the Phillies storm Dodger Stadium without one of their aces, and I do believe a version of Ryan Howard who did not hit a home run in the month of August.  September has been our month in the past two years, but I fail to see how that past has much to do with right now.  This is a different brand of Phillies, one that can come back, fall down, push forward, and shit their pants at a moments notice.

But it doesn’t matter.  Like I said, with Kyle Kendrick on the mound, you have to rely a bit more heavily on your offense.  The offense that oh-thank-god managed to squirt out a single base hit last night.

Well, whatever.  Obviously the Phillies will make the playoffs because we want them too.  Oh, wait!  Did I tell you Greg Dobbs is coming back, probably?!  I knew there was good news buried under this crap-blanket.

TBOH is on Twitter, and I think you know that.  It’s time to ADMIT that you know that.

Image courtesy of Yardbarker.

Tags: Braves Crap Blanket Dodgers Hiroki Kadora Kyle Kendrick NL East Phillies Shane Victorino Wild Card