Out of Ideas, Phillies Attempt to Stop Losing Streak With More Losing; Lose

The Phillies Twitter-verse is like hanging out in a smoky bar full of cranky old men screaming at the TV, but the bartender doesn’t have the heart to tell them it hasn’t been plugged in for weeks.  At least, it is right now, as we all collectively watch the Phillies slowly choke to death.

So, before I decide in what fashion I will discuss this afternoon’s particular catastrophe, I’m going to feed you some of the top Tweets from today’s game.

TOP PHILLIES TWEETS

• First, OuttaHerrrrreee provides us with what is probably a hugely adequate solution.  Then again, it has been almost two weeks since this mess started, so chances are, they’ve already gone down that road.  I mean, we did make a stop in New York.
• The Fightins‘ meechone brings up a name I haven’t had in my brain since last I glanced at a “Meet the ’98 Phillies!” stadium program.
• Okay, good point, xJKRCx.  You may the last optimist left in Phillies nation.  The rest of us will be staring hopelessly at the “2008” banner still hanging on the wall before using it to smother our Roommates to death.
• Me too, PhilliesDoll, that’s why I’m stalling before I write this next post.
• Oh, wow.  So there’s psycho fans for other teams in this division, too.

Braves 2, Phillies 1

Always nice to see Billy Wagner again.  He’s like that guy who used to date your friend, and you never liked him because he was a total dick, but you had to feign cheerfulness when he was around, while the whole time you’re thinking “Jesus, this guy’s got stupid hair.”

Today was like running into that guy again at your favorite bar.  And you’re just waiting for him to say something to set somebody off, and he does come close a couple of times, but in the end, nothing remarkable happens and everybody leaves.

What could he have said to make today worse, anyway?  “I’ve impregnated all of your wives with my seed”?

No, the Phillies can’t hit right now.  No, the Phillies can’t even really field right now.  They can pitch for some reason… the starters, anyway.  KK went the distance–7 IP, 5 H, 1 R, 2 BB, 4 K.

I am absolutely positive that the next thing to attack us, after this slump, which I’m assuming will end before… welp, let’s just say August to be safe… will be the starters beginning to lag, at which point the complaint will be, “Well, the offense should have backed them up when they were performing well,” blah, blah, blah, then J-Roll says something snippy on a talk radio show, Brett Myers sneaks back into the clubhouse and pretends to be a reporter just to make jokes during a press conference (but then realizes his inability to read or write makes his attempt at sabotage meaningless), and what do you know, the Braves have run away with the division.

More specifically, the Phillies “big innings” are being eaten up by the double play monster.  They ground into… so many of them.  Wilson Valdez is especially guilty of murder.  I mean, killing.  Killing momentum.  Wilson Valdez ends innings on DP’s a lot, is what I’m saying.

But today was Chase Utley’s turn, and boy, he didn’t disappoint, which is to say that he did disappoint; almost entirely, in fact.

Kyle Kendrick smacked a base hit, which was like a turkey learning to fly.  An air plane.

Then Wilson Valdez put down a bunt, and HEY NOW THAT LOOKS LIKE OFFENSE ABOUT TO HAPPEN SWEET LORD SOMEBODY CALL A BASEBALL PLAYER AND MAKE SURE–

And that’s when Chase grounded into his double play.  Also Raul grounded into one, too, but do you even notice that shit anymore?  No.

I don’t know who I want to see in the batter’s box anymore. Maybe Danny Briere.

Now, because this beautiful afternoon was once again shat upon by the massively inept Phillies, I will finish this post with the CAPS LOCK KEY ON.

LET’S HOPE THE PHILLIES’ LUCK CHANGES WHEN THEY GET HOME.  IT IS A PRETTY HOME RUN HEAVY PARK. PERHAPS MORE RUNS WILL BE SCORED.  UNTIL THEN, I WILL BE TALKING THIS FASHION TO EVERY PERSON I INTERACT WITH.  GOOD DAY TO YOU.