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Phillies Tricked by Impossible Bullshit Pitch


You may not know who Lew “Hicks” Moren is, but he pitched for your Philadelphia Phillies for four seasons.  And he was a key component in the hideous loss that befell us on this very day.

Lew wasn’t a terribly talented gentleman.  His pitching was erratic, there was not a thing symmetrical about his teeth, his Wikipedia entry is only four lines of text, and he was such a poor athlete, he was forced to invent the knuckleball.

The knuckleball, of course, has been carried into our generation in the withered hands of Tim Wakefield, a guy who’s made a career out of bipolar baseball-throwing.  For whatever reason, and I’m going to bet it was the fact that the knuckleball is an half-breed abortion of the sport, we didn’t hit him.  In the past two games, we’ve been outscored 13-3. That’s terrible, everybody.  Just pure shit.

And maybe if Lew Moren hadn’t been talentless enough to invent a pitch that makes no sense, putting him in a realm of history with the originators of geometric proofs and the Rockies’ mascot, we wouldn’t be in this mess.

I mean, there’s got to be a reason that he committed suicide by slitting his own throat.

Red Sox 8, Phillies 3

Seriously.  His own damn throat.

Like I said, Tim Wakefield really made assclowns out of our entire lineup today.  But, you can give credit where credit is due, and where it is not due is with the Red Sox.  Sure, you could also very easily give them credit for attacking the best pitcher in baseball with more than even a little success, and in fact, it probably seems like I’m just choosing not to.

But I feel that a lot of credit for today’s win should go to the Phillies.  Say what you will about us; how we’re consistently NL contenders, how you’d have to be tripping balls to not pick us as division champs.  Hey, don’t sell us short.  We can be one hell of a shitty team when we want to be.

Ever since shooting the Pirates in the head with a 12 run murder spree, we’ve been impressively inept, and with the Red Sox being the next team on the docket, they were going to be the ones who took advantage of our offensive drain.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, and its probably “Hey!  The Sox kicked the crap out of Halladay today, so they bested your offense and your ace pitcher.  Maybe they’re just better than you.  Also, the Phillies had a bunch of errors again.”

And hey, you’d be right.  What do you want from me?  Its late and I barely slept this weekend.  But I don’t think you can deny that the Phillies, after a wild night of taking the leash off our hitters and watching them go nuts on an ass crack team, tend to drift off into a world where hitting the ball no longer exists.  I’ve seen it happen.  This is a pretty intense case, however–if it weren’t for classic “Ross Gload,” we’d be sitting here talking about being shut out two nights in a row.

Did mention Tim Wakefield hasn’t won a game since last July?  That was nine starts ago.

“Throwing a knuckleball for a strike is like throwing a butterfly with hiccups across the street into your neighbor’s mailbox.”  –Willie Stargell, just before another elongated sip from a bottle of absinthe.

So maybe Wakefield’s a better athlete than everybody if he’s able to use the pitch so effectively (effectively = one win in ten starts).  All I know is, it sucks marching into Citi Field with a dead lineup.

Just ask the Mets.

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Tags: Assclown Errors Greb Dobbs Knuckleball Lew Moren Roy Halladay Shane Victorino Tim Wakefield

  • Harper

    If you think it was bad yesterday . . . news from the Staten Island Advance reports that Mets manager Jerry Manuel is considering RA Dickey, another knuckleballer, for Tuesday’s start against the Phils.

  • http://thatballsouttahere.com Justin

    Gyaaaaaaaaarrrrrggh damn it.

  • http://bureaucratist.blogspot.com bureaucratist

    One of your best entries. Classic classic headline. I’d never heard of Hicks Moren, and I consider myself a (very) amateur baseball historian. I knew about Candy Cummings (always struck me as a porno name) and the curveball, but not ol’ Hicks. I love the knuckleball, though, yesterday notwithstanding. My ex-roommate could get his to move maybe once out of every three times, and it was pretty amazing.

    Seriously, though, he slit his own throat? You’ve got a have a serious, like ultra-Charles Bronson-plus deathwish to accomplish that.

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