Phillies-Mets Series to Really Test Jeff Francoeur’s Patience with Everybody

Its the first Mets series of the season, and you know what that means.  Somebody’s going to break the threshold of disgusting and lewd behavior at Citizens Bank Park.  Wait, we did that already this year.  I don’t know what we can expect, then.  And not just because of Brad Lidge’s return.

Around 20 games into the season, and we’re already turning into one of those divisions.  Everybody’s equally about .500 and smells like the same shit.  You know when phrases like “…with the Marlins and Nationals right on their tail” are appearing in the papers, there’s yet to be a true standard set in the NL East.

We may not be the best division, but we are certainly the screamiest. And, like the kid that the teachers make up an award for just so everybody gets a trophy, we are proud of it.

But pride doesn’t beat back the Marlins or take the Mets out of first place.  I was one of the many loud typists out there proclaiming “The Phillies-Braves series will be critical all year!  The Braves are back!  EVERYBODY WATCH OUT FOR THE BRAVES!”

And now we are about to play the Mets for first place.  This is so 2007.

I know what you’re thinking.  “How many times is he seriously going to throw accusations of Jeff Francoeur being a warlock out there?”  Well, I don’t think he’s a warlock anymore.  I think he’s an asshole.  The only plausible reason it would be good to have an Eric Bruntlett on our roster would be to try to re-live the most hilarious onfield moment in Phillies-Mets history.

Clearly, when we’re playing the Mets, its about more than just baseball.  The past few years, its been about overkill, or deeply satisfying division leads, or basically recreating certain scenes from Hostel on a baseball field.  This year, the theme will be crushing dreams.

“…the Mets have too much respect for their Turnpike rivals to let this get ugly (at least for now),” reports FOX News, clearly unaware of Francoeur’s little spike in the voodoo doll earlier this season.

In a way, its good.  We had all this angry rivalhood building up and nowhere to put it.  This year, the Mets have decided to field a baseball team comprised of more than just corpses and appear to be sitting pretty.  If there is one team that is not going to win the NL East this year, its the Mets.  And the Nationals.  And probably the Marlins.

Can the Phils ride the high from the comeback victory in San Francisco into a successful homestand?  Well, I don’t know, let’s ask Kyle Kendrick.

Actually, it doesn’t matter what Kendrick’s saying.  As long as he doesn’t give up four runs on one pitch, I’ll consider it a fine response to any query.  But with contracts being questioned, Chase Utley totally lagging in the 2nd Base Chase, and Brad Lidge coming back, there’s a host of “Oh SHIT” being passed around the clubhouse.  Nothing would be more of a turnaround than a three-game homicide of the New York Mets.

Though I guess nothing’s going to shut up Francoeur:  “I guess they can’t talk about us on ‘Saturday Night Live’ now, make any jokes about us,” Francoeur said.

What does he do, cruise the internet every night looking for Anti-Mets sentiment?  He’s like the “staunch Republican” of baseball players, constantly searching the airwaves for negativity at which to unleash a swirl of shrill yelling.  Why do people think that knowing about insults makes them look smarter?  Francoeur seems like one of those kids who got “Somebody run this boy over with a truck” signs taped to their backs in grade school.  You’d think it would have toughened him up in the face of criticism.

So, the Phillies need to pull a out a sweep to get back into first place and perch comfortably, while the Mets need a sweep to keep Jeff Francoeur from bursting into tears, apparently.