Phillies Loss Overshadowed by Most Disgusting Assault Ever

As J.A. Happ was walking six Nationals with a less-fast fastball that had everybody freaking out, and the bullpen was allowing a dash of runs here, and a smattering of hits there, and much more gruesome exposition was being undertaken in the stands above.

Its not new to see somebody escorted out of Citizens Bank Park by security.  I feel stupid even just saying that. Usually, its a guy in a Jeter jersey, upset because the Rangers were just eliminated from playoff contention by the Flyers, and he’s feeling desperate to irritate someone.  Sometimes, its a couple of Phillies fans, cannibalizing each other for no reason, other than its Dollar Dog Night, and everyone is drunk and angry.

So when Matthew Clemmens’ friend was kicked out of the park, you’ve got to imagine, he laughed at his pal’s idiocy, sat back down, and did not start planning a revenge scheme.

Welp.  Clemmens decided to, in one of the moments where you’ve got to think his logic sort of hit a hall and started bouncing all over the place.  Not only was his victim going to be the 11-year-old girl sitting next to him, but his weapon of choice was going to be his own vomit.

Quickly forcing a pair of fingers down his throat, Clemmens began sputtering, gagging, and dry heaving, like a true friend, until yes, he actually barfed all over this little girl.  Success.  Way to go, buddy.

Except, she was an 11-year-old girl, so of course, her father was standing right there.  The bonus?  Her father was an off-duty police captain.

Have you ever seen what a Philly cop will do to somebody that gets under their skin?  Guess how much they did that to a guy who actually deserved it.

Nationals 7, Phillies 5

Well, damn, we lost, and Happ’s fastball was 2 mph lower than normal.  Everybody poke Rich Dubee until we get a sound byte.

“I don’t know what he’s going through.”

Okay, that’s… that’s barely anything.  Poke him again!

“I don’t know what’s going on.”

You know, I feel like this is a case where if we were to ask him another question, let alone the same question, again, he’d give up on pretending to hide his true nature and just set my hair on fire with his brain.  So let’s back away slowly and make wild generalizations.

Happ’s fine.  What Dubee eventually said was that nobody throws like God every time they come out, so shut up and stop worrying.  Which everybody did, because I would almost expect it if Rich Dubee tried to vomit with rage all over the press corps.

The bullpen, namely Baez, shit the bed on this one.  To come out of our first three series at 7-2, however, is something to marvel at.  Something to pretend to notice is that both ofour opponents in the first nine games were subpar clubs.  A Marlins series begins tonight (Phils-Marlins, 7;05. Citizens Bank Park) and with it comes the first true test of the pitching.

Except tonight, when Doc’s on the mound.  That’s just sort of a foregone conclusion.

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Tags: Bullpen Human Vomit J.a. Happ Phillies Rich Dubee

  • Eugene Markman

    Of course ESPN posted this story, causing idiots all over the country to comment on his typical and normal this is for us. I hate these incidents. Of course if this were another city we wouldn’t hear about this. Now people will bring up the Santa incident from 1960′s, as if it’s still relevant to any of this.

  • Jp14

    This turd deserves to have his Big Mac spit in for the rest of his life.

  • bureaucratist

    I don’t know, maybe I’ve just been out of Philly too long to remember how awful it is to live with people like this, but I think it’s awesome. And it’s hard to deny that it provides an exaggerated although accurate picture of a not insignificant portion of Philadelphia fandom. We wouldn’t hear about this in another city because it would never *happen* in another city.

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  • Justin Klugh

    It feels like the closest thing to a Family Guy cut-away punchline in real life.

  • bureaucratist

    Dead on the money, Klugh.

    I’m going to the Braves game in Atlanta on Wednesday. Thank god for Happ’s injury so I get to see the Doc! Although to me that name will always belong to Dwight Gooden, although I wasn’t aware until recently that doctors would prescribe, you know, a hotel-weekend’s worth of crack.