There’s a rat stuck in our walls right now. You can hear it scurrying and squealing and sometimes it falls and there’s a ‘thump’ and we hope and pray that it’s dead but then a few seconds later, there it is again, clawing at the wall, going out of his quickly deteriorating rat-mind, wretching over whether he’ll ever see his family again.
And that’s where the baseball world finds itself right now. We’re clawing at the wall of March to get to April’s daylight, and its… its slow going.
“Roy Halladay viewed yesterday’s start against the New York Yankees as a chance to recalibrate his body and mind to the feel of a ball game,” says the Philly Inquirer.
And he still struck out three in two innings. While he was recalibrating. I don’t even know exactly what that means, but it sounds like something a Terminator does. And oh yeah, out of 24 pitches, only three were outside the strike zone. Ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha. What the hell why is Roy Halladay so good at baseball?!?
“He reminds me of Curt Schilling on a game day,” CSN’s Jim Salisbury said of Roy Halladay, making it what must have been the greatest day of Curt Schilling’s recent life.
I’ve gone past “thrilled” and “excited” that we got him, now I’m just alarmed. By putting him in our city, we may have changed the current timeline, and now when SkyNet is destroyed and Roy’s defense mechanism is triggered, we’re all gonna be gunned down like caged animals. And if we learned anything from the two-inning window into Roy Halladay’s career as a Phillie, it’s that he is both relentless and inescapable.
Two of the qualities you don’t want to see in the cyborg assassin from the future that’s been programmed to kill you.
Sorry, that was a little dramatic. But I’ve been waking up for the past three mornings with the first sound I hear being a living creature begging for its life, so each day starts with a fresh bit of morbidity hanging in the air.
Today, Cole got the ball at 10am, and Jamie Moyer gets it later for the 1pm show against the Blue Jays. We’re also going to see the likes of J.C. Ramirez, Ryan Vogelsong, Antonio Bastardo, Chad Durbin, Ryan Madson, and Scott Mathieson.
I want to see Jamie Moyer pitch more than anyone else. I’ve got to admit, I’ve done a total 180 on my opinion of him starting… which is probably because I haven’t seen him start in many, many months. But he’s totally rock solid in affirming that he’s ready to play, 100 years old or not, and I for one am convinced that he deserves a few starts before we begin the intoxicated screaming, taunting, and terroristic threats that come with being a displeased Phillies fan.
No Shane in the lineup AGAIN?! This week is really costing me; I can’t afford to miss this much work.
And now, let’s close with some classic Hal Bodley mindless jabbering:
“He’s quiet, all-business and fiercely competitive — one of the premier talents in the Major Leagues. But does he enjoy it?”
Hard-hitting question, Hal. Does Chase Utley actually enjoy baseball? I would say no, because of the violent bouts of sobbing he falls into between pitches. I can’t believe nobody else has noticed them over the last few years.
I’d tear into the rest of the article, but there’s barely any writing in it, just the copy-and-pasting of several dozen interview quotes and a wildly uninteresting re-telling of Chase Utley’s career.