Jim Bunning Chooses to Live Out Remaining Years as Total Asshole

Jim Bunning was a Phillies pitcher from 1964-67 and 1970-71, appearing on league leader boards and all-star game rosters until they found a seat for him in Cooperstown.  He now has his number retired as a Phillie, next to hallmark names like Richie Asburn, Mike Schmidt, Steve Carlton, and Robin Roberts.

These days, Jim Bunning a United States Senator, representing the state of Kentucky.  He’s been in the news lately because he was the sole blockage of Democratic legislation that would extend healthcare benefits for the unemployed by 30 days.

That was a lot of politics, and if you could just swallow that headache of sheer boredom I just gave you, we can move onto the funny, terrible stuff about all this.

“When Senate producer Z. Byron Wolf spotted Bunning exiting his office, Bunning said, “I’m not talking to anybody.”  When Wolf asked him to stay and talk to our cameras, Bunning walked toward the elevator and shot the middle finger over his head.”

Jonathan Karl, ABC News

If you’re not following this story, even just as a Phillies fan, you really should be, because this guy is one unbelievable son of a bitch.  Also, as an American, you should watch it, because it has to do with healthcare.  But that’s not the funny part.

No, the funny part stretches from horizon to horizon, enveloping quite a collection of the slow, classless, cobwebby, strange ways in which Jim Bunning has chosen to live out his remaining years.  He is so fueled by old man-hate you can’t help but picture him sitting outside of a tackle shop in Kentucky, telling tourists about the best fishing spots in the county.  But then he gives them directions to a trailer park full of inbred local cannibals.

Not only has he been completely willing to throw in a middle finger to reporters for good measure, but Bunning also recently promised to never leave (Is he referring to “dying”?  We do not know), as along as all other senators were “here.”

This guy has been ranked as one of the Worst 5 U.S. Senators by Time Magazine.  It’s been said that he is “… hostile to staff members on the Hill and, occasionally, even other senators,” and “shows little interest in policy unless it involves baseball,” which, obviously, a ton of legislation does.

The legislation in question, however, does not, which is why it’s confusing that Bunning is firmly placing his extremely old, extremely corrupt senatorial face in the midst of this healthcare reform.  Democrats wanted to extend benefits 30 days for the unemployed.  Bunning said no.

Shattering world records in “crotchety,” Bunning is now the target of a Democratic “shaming” campaign, the sole purpose of which is to, yup, I’m really going to bother saying it; shame the Republican senator from Kentucky into shutting the hell up.  Which he will not, because he is old, and doesn’t understand simple things like what time it is or that nonprofit organizations are for the charities they say they are, not just money for you, personally, even if you are the one that set them up.  Sorry if there was some confusion, there.

Back in 2004, Bunning was running for re-election against Daniel Mongiardo, who, if you’re racist, “looks like one of Saddam Hussein’s sons.”  And Bunning certainly is that racist, and took the opportunity in the public spotlight to make his position known.  For his next trick, Bunning accused Mongiardo of physically attacking his wife and then called him out for using a teleprompter during a live debate, behaivor which, and I quote, “… caused several media analysts to question Bunning’s mental state.”

Again.  Talking about a sitting United States senator.

So, the next time you’re in Citizens Bank Park, throw a wink and a smile to old Jim Bunning’s number on the outfield wall.  Lord knows he’d do the same for you.  That, or, you know.  Kill you with his bare hands for stepping foot on his property.

Wow.  Jim Bunning has really shuffled his way across the spectrum of “human atrocities.”  Anything else you want to add to this smorgasboard of terror, Senator Bunning?

“I watch Fox News to get my information.”

Oh.

Well, with the shameless obstruction, false accusations, and that racist thing, this revelation feels a bit redundant.

STRAY BULLETS

• Was there really a reason to rank the “Worst ______ in the NL East,” Covers.com?  Its always going to be the Nationals, which I know is surprising, given how drunk on shittiness the Mets are.
• All jokes aside, Citi Field is a serious death trap.  There’s no way they can let people play baseball in there.  Its like in Little League, when they would have to postpone practice because a homeless guy was sleeping in the dugout and coach had to go prod him awake with a bat.  And that one time the guy didn’t wake up and coach came back real pale and told us all to go home.