Now, the snow is even bleeding into the soft warm hopes we have to keep us alive. Somehow, despite it not even being Spring Training yet, this snow has found a way to try and delay baseball season. Oh, don’t worry; there’s been no freakish cold snap that’s got Roy Halladay cut off and considering cannibalizing some of the maintenance crew at the ballpark. It’s still like 114 degrees in Arizona and Florida.
But they can’t get the equipment down from the northern cities because the snow just won’t let them. The Phillies’ trucks were supposed to leave this morning, and I’m sure they are planning to at least try, but a lot of this snow is now black-and-mucus-colored from the attempts of motorists to try and plow right through it without the aid of a… plow.
You ever see a panicked hamster run way too hard in his wheel, thinking somehow, it’s getting him further and further away from his cage, when in reality we know he’s not going anywhere until the end of the world or he blows his tiny hamster brains out?
So, it looks like this is the year the equipment just doesn’t come. Instead of baseballs we’ll use snow and instead of bats we’ll use bare fists. It will be a return to a simpler time, when the winter meant staying warm by the fire and praying to god that you weren’t the next one on the wagon train to contract hypothermia and/or gangrene and get one of your limbs cut off with the same meat cleaver they used to slaughter the last of the oxen.
Good luck, Phillies equipment truck driver.
Hey, the Braves are offering a deal to Johnny Damon! Great. Now the Yankees are bleeding into our division, too. Damon wants a two year deal, but the Braves have offered him one for one year, and because Damon’s agent is the adorable Scott Boras, he may be advised to etch a crudely drawn middle finger on the deal and send it right on back. This would leave him as prime meat for the Rays, another team looking to court the 36-year-old.
If he did wind up in Atlanta, he’d be batting leadoff, and more than likely show up to wreak havoc for the Phillies as he did in some World Series some time. The respite here would be the Braves lineup isn’t nearly as powerful as the Yankees, so its more possible that Damon would be writing checks the eight guys behind him can’t cash. Hopefully.
And Carlos Beltran might retire if he doesn’t get the sweet deal from the Mets that he wants, but honestly, is anybody even reporting on the Mets anymore?
The last two headlines on CNN.com are “Snowfall to ease for blizzard-weary mid-Atlantic region” and “Kenya rounds up zebras for starving lions.” What I would give, eat, or kill to be a lion right now, in the boiling hot African sun, having god damn zebra meat brought to me. By humans. Damn it.
UPDATE: And then I would eat the humans.
And lastly, get that shit out of here.