The Return of Pitching and Bitching

Ever wonder if that vibrating under your feet is the Cricket store you live above being robbed?  But that’s exactly why I wanted these headphones; to be able to plead ignorance of the screams and gunshots coloring the air around here.

It’s a beautiful morning!

The sun is shining, the dogs are pooping, and the Phillies are watching on baited breath as their pitching staff withers and dies.

Along with Jamie Moyer, Brad Lidge and J.C. Romero may also miss Opening Day.  Further subtractions from the bullpen are not going to leave us with a whole hell of a lot of resources.  It’s going to be the “untested rookie parade” marching to the mound if any of the starters go south early.

So here’s a Philly Inquirer article breaking down the situation.  It ain’t pretty.  They claim we can get by without that fifth starter for some time because of a bunch of off days, but if Kyle Kendrick can do it… I mean, if they opt for “no one” over him, that may do some damage to the guy’s pride.

Trust me.

Personally, I’d like to see Antonio Bastardo, Danys Baez, Sergio Escalona, Scott Mathieson, Chad Durbin, Ryan Madson, and Kendrick, if they don’t want him to start.  Although that’s a lot of righties, I just noticed (Escalona and Bastardo being the only LHP of the bunch).

It has the potential to be shaky, but not a reason to delve into despair.

“10 bucks the Phillies start 1-2,” Roommate fiendishly snickered.

“THE YANKEES WILL BE 0-3!” I instinctively shouted back with no knowledge of who the Yankees play Opening Day. “Yankees suck,” I added slyly.

“Maybe you didn’t see the 2009 World Series?” he fired back.

“For your information, it WAS hard to see most of Game 6 with a shotgun in my mouth!” I replied, the last of my maturity slamming the door on its way out of the apartment.

ANGRY SIDEBAR

This is the dumbest god damn thing I’ve ever god damn seen.

Oh!  Look!  He’s shirtless and he’s not smiling!  Back off, everyone.  There’s a new Tiger in town.  And this one lifts free weights and wears skull caps.  Careful not to piss him off, or he’ll stare at you like a dog about to be euthanized.

“Please don’t put me to sleep, America!  I can still be fun!  I know I’ve become a toilet-load of mass media backwash, but… but look at this!”

*Hits a few drives in succession*

“See?  See?!  I’m still worth your time!”

The best part was on ESPN, some commentators were talking about what a great photo this is, how it is totally effective in changing his persona and making him a bad-ass.  Here’s the thing, though:  It’s just a picture, you idiots.

Here’s another one:

Oh my god!  So Ronald McDonald wasn’t a jovial, snowman-building clown who just wanted to spread the fruit of his delicious loins?!  HE WAS A TINY CANNIBAL LIVING UNDER A BRIDGE?!  IT’S A PICTURE! What further evidence do you need?!

No, I don’t know Tiger personally.  If I did, I’d be over at his place, playing Xbox 720 and eating solid gold cereal.  But sadly, our paths have never crossed.  So I can’t say for certain what he is like.  But the persona he built with the media starkly contrasts this photo, and it’s so difficult to take him seriously, given car-bending recent events, you’ve got to wonder what the hell he was thinking.

Because I’m taking the threat of man-eating clown children much more seriously than a ripped Tiger Woods.