I... oh, right.

Phils Dump Figgins; Court DeRosa for the Rebound

Well, you can watch as Mark DeRosa’s name replaces Chone Figgins in the Philadelphia headlines.

He’s the new frontrunner for the Phillies vacant hot corner, and thing is, he ain’t no Figgins.

First of all, his name isn’t anywhere near as funny-sounding.  Secondly, he hit .250 for the Cardinals in 2009, and struck out more than ever in his career (121).  “This team’s already got a strikeout artist,” said Ryan Howard and his 186 SO in 2009.  “And his name is me.”

Matt Stairs' offseason has been full of self reflection and friendly bears.

Matt Stairs' offseason has been full of self reflection and friendly bears.

Meanwhile, Ruben Amaro claims he’s looking for solid defense off the bench, not the stunning offense that highlighted our reserves in 2008 and all but evaporated in 2009.  Matt Stairs, Greg Dobbs (the best pinch hitter in baseball that year), and Chris Coste were all about getting that call from the bench and causing some real trouble where it was least expected.

With Bruntlett gone (I know, I just like saying it), Stairs, Miguel Cairo (Meh), and Paul Bako (Get out of here) are going to be handed minor league deals.  Bako and Stairs are getting up there in age (Stairs, actually, has gotten there), so they may be at a point where minor league deals don’t look great but are the only real option.

As for these bullpen maneuvers I’ve been hearing so much about, Scott Eyre’s got to figure out if he’s retiring, and Chan Ho Park is apparently getting looky-loos from teams that want to cast him in a plethora of pitching roles.

Amaro apparently said of Eyre (and I’m paraphrasing), “I like Scott, but if he wants more money, I’ll ship him out of here like a crate of old meat.”

And that’s about it.

What?

Ha, ha, “problems closing out a game?”  What in the hell are you talking about?

Brad Lidge is recovering from elbow surgery, which I’m assuming was a surgery to put someone else’s elbow onto his body.  Somebody with more consistency, like a monkey that can play baseball, save the season, and teach us all to love, too.

With Lidge still here, that means the best we’re going to get from shopping around for a closer is a set-up guy, and closers don’t want to get set-up guy salaries if they are actually closers.  Which makes our quest for J.J. Putz, Fernando Rodney, or Brandon Lyon all the… crappier.

It’s a lot to deal with.  Maybe I’ll just run off to Hawaii and get married.

With a guest list that includes Ryan Howard, Chuck Liddell, and Jon Gosselin, it’s going to be the best episode of “The Surreal Life” ever.

Congrats, Shane.

Let me just close with IF THE BLUE JAYS ACTUALLY SEND HALLADAY TO A DIVISION RIVAL, THEIR GM SHOULD COMMIT HARA-KIRI.

Tags: Brad Lidge Cardinals Grizzly Adams Mark DeRosa Matt Stairs Phillies

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