Mandatory Credit: Kirby Lee/Image of Sport-USA TODAY Sports

Years ago, it was discussed that the Rangers’ Michael Young, their franchise leader in hits, would slip into the Phillies’ third base role.  The Phils were growing weary of weak-hitting injury risks piloting the hot corner, and Young was sick of being simply amazing while relegated to a surplus role.

Anyways, it was decided that Michael Young wasn’t that good and the teams went their separate ways.  A similar sentiment was had years later about another young man from Texas, but that time, there was no water cold enough to turn the notion flaccid.

2012 is a different animal, though, as far as what the Phillies’ needs are.  Instead of a third baseman, we need a third baseman, an out fielder, maybe two, and bullpen help.

After making nothing happen in Nashville other than an afternoon of frantic Justin Upton research, Ruben is reportedly moving in on a trade with the Rangers for Michael Young, who is now thirty god damn six.  The Rangers will eat more than half of his owed $16 million, if this a, you know, thing.  Which may be the most exciting part of the deal.

In fact, Michael Young’s 2012 was the 4th-worst (by WAR) among players age 30 or older since 1990.

— Bill Baer (@CrashburnAlley) December 5, 2012

So if you’re sleeping, consider yourself one of the lucky ones.  These talks are “advanced,” whatever that means, but hopefully it’s before “popping champagne.”

Silent as the 2012 Phillies’ grave,  a festering corner of activity here, a conniving Marlins representative there, and dotted sporadically throughout the construct were hushed conversations about Michael Bourn, Jeff Keppinger and the gang.  A-Rod will be out for 4-6 months.  The Mariners want to buy everybody.

It’s a dim state of affairs in Nashville, as Rube relaxes, not interested in a splash, more interested in people watching and the people considering and people deceiving that go with it.  Hey, is that Jeffrey Loria shoving doughnuts in his pock–

Phillies and Diamondbacks are discussing Justin Upton for Cliff Lee. Money coming to AZ would also be involved.

— Pedro Gomez (@pedrogomezESPN) December 4, 2012

Suddenly, the world rips in half as everyone forget for a second that Pedro Gomez is a mindless assclown and takes his word for scripture.  How could we do this to Cliff?!  Again?!

Deep breaths.

Deeper than that.

You knew you shouldn’t have thrown your inhaler at that club bouncer on a dare and then run away, but how were you supposed to know the Phillies would be trading Cliff Lee again in a manner of seconds?!

Okay, okay, okay.  Cliff is a hyper-talented starter–part of this club’s contemporary image as “pitching-first,” and then “pitching-only,” and he’s beloved by the city and pitched one of the greatest World Series games of all time, but if this is happening, let’s look at what we’re getting:  Justin Upton, that guy the Diamondbacks dangle out there every Tuesday to see who bites.  He talks to his helmet.

Yes, he a masher, too.  And he can play the outfield–not center, but he can like, be out there. But for Cliff?  Cliff Lee?!  I mean I guess you could wander over to MLB shop and figure out how “Upton” would look on a Phillies jer–

Dbacks source tells me the Upton/Lee stuff “hasn’t been discussed” and is “off base.” — Nick Piecoro (@nickpiecoro) December 4, 2012

Gibson on that Upton/Lee rumor: “I can tell you that’s not going to happen.” — Nick Piecoro (@nickpiecoro) December 4, 2012

Ruben Amaro with a strong denial of the Lee-Upton report. “I don’t comment on rumors but that one is Absolutely and unequivocally false.” — High Cheese (@HighCheese) December 4, 2012

Pedro Gomez, however, continued his argument from a dimension in which all of the debunking of him hadn’t happened and also Jeff Bagwell was constantly admitting to being a steroid user, unprovoked and usually to strangers.

Listening to ESPN Radio this morning, Pedro Gomez is sticking to his Upton-Lee story. Not backing down. No mention of RAJ or Gibson denials.

— John Stolnis (@FelskeFiles) December 5, 2012

Hey, maybe this thing’s got legs.  Maybe it’s being confirmed right now that the description of the deal was slightly wrong enough for Rube to truthfully deny it.  Or maybe he just lied.  It’s a lot more fun if he didn’t; people like Cliff, he’s very good, and nobody wants Pedro Gomez to be right about anything.

But the skeleton under these thick, fleshy slabs of humor should be addressed as well.  Our competitors are knocking the acquisition side of baseball “out of the park,” as they say at meetings of the Association for the Usage of Sports Cliches.

Name after name, role after role, we are witnessing the growing arsenals of  our enemies.  We turn to Ruben, as is often the case during the winter, to explain the plan of how we intend to keep up.  This season marks a departure from the hysterical laughter of big name trades and steals, and has instead offered little more than a morose breed of shallow fantasies.

What?  Why yes, I am slowly and methodically loading a pistol as I type this. (more…)