That Balls Outta Here » Wild Card

Phillies Plan to Reach Playoffs Over the Bodies of Several Horrible Teams

Justin Klugh — Mon, 10 Sep 2012 15:57:16 +0000

Howard Smith-US PRESSWIRE

It takes a lot to put together a run.

First, you need to have dug yourself a hole so deep that even those who swore they’d always believed in you have turned their backs in utter disgust. Next, you need to somehow acquire enough new players that the team begins interacting with itself differently enough that the stale air in the clubhouse begins to hum with a small electric charge. Finally, you need the irritating, bullshit luck that falls on one team every year and allows for several of their awful players to become temporary superstars on their way to destroying the hopes of teams who have been diligently competent all season long.

Put all that together in September and you’ve got the magic of baseball!

Yes, the Phillies seem to believe they have found a path to the playoffs’ sleazy back door, and judging by the players’ quotes, the reporters’ questions, and media’s “analysis,” they are on their way, as long as they keep winning almost all of their games.

It’s a tall order, because the players on this team aren’t exactly astounding, but they have found a method to success that has yet to fail them in the second half: Only play the shittiest teams in the league.

MLB’s schedule, as we know, is composed years in advance, and maintained in an enormous ledger covered in dust. The bookkeeper is a 1,000-year-old tree–the same one the carve all the bats out of–whose branches form the times and dates each club will play, accounting for prime time broadcasts, ESPN Games of the Week, and commercials, of course.

So it’s not as if playing bad teams is a part of the Phillies’ plan. I mean, it is now, because they’re doing it, but at this point, with them needing to win, and apparently able to win, it is an immense stroke of luck that they are lined up to play a series of teams who make it easier to win.

Also, we have Chooch, so… if you want to just give us that pennant, now, that’d be great. Howard Smith-US PRESSWIRE

Coming off a series sweep of the Rockies (Did you know that the Phillies are like 22-7 against the Rockies since 2008? That is absurd, but I can’t find the data to back it up, I just heard Jim Jackson say it on the radio yesterday), the Phils move onto face the Marlins, then the Mets, then finish up the Least Coast Swing with a four-gamer against the Astros. The Astros.

So, suddenly, the time is now. I would like to point out that during this post-ASG stretch, the Phillies have won series against the Nationals and Reds and illustrated some consistency while doing it, so it’s not as if we’ve been punching our foes while they sleep and then running away.

If nothing else, this six-games back from the second Wild Card spot jazz has to have the PR department in a tizzy, as for the last few weeks of the season, they have an actual reason to try and get people to the ballpark, and not just “Come on down to Citizens Bank Park! Most of the security staff has quit for the season, so you can get away with some of those god awful things you love to do in public.”

Series Unwatchable for Braves Fans; Literally

Justin Klugh — Sat, 02 Oct 2010 19:38:20 +0000

Do you like baseball? Do you live in the Atlanta region? Do you intend to watch the reinvigorated, riotous Phillies-Braves rivalry over the last three games of the season? Do you want to see Bobby Cox’s farewell to the regular season at The Ted, against a team that has stolen what was rightfully yours for the majority of the 2010 season? Well, FOX has a special message for you:

Fuck yourself!

FOX has kicked down the door of the DISH network and demanded a 50% rate increase to air the games and other programming. DISH was like, “… uh, no.”

The result is… not that bad, really, when you consider the game will still actually air on a local FOX affiliate. But if you’re a DISH network customer, allow FOX to direct your attention to the previous exclamatory remark. Non-DISH customers will get the warblous tones of Joe Buck and Tim McCarver all to themselves, sucker.

Wait now I don’t know which side I’m defending.

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Dodgers Can’t Even No-Hit Phillies

Justin Klugh — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 22:27:58 +0000

How is Kyle Kendrick already pitching again? I feel like it was just a few days ago that I was silently chewing mouthfuls of a giant sandwich while staring menacingly at the TV as Kyle slowly but surely allowed another one of his patented disaster innings bleed into a Phillies loss.

And yeah, maybe my caffeine intake is “dangerously high,” and my hours of sleep every night are “dangerously low,” and the broken bottles I throw at the wall are “really dangerous,” but watching Kyle take the mound is like watching your kid go into surgery. Only he’s performing it on himself despite being unconscious the whole time.

“How will this work?” you ask during the pregame.

Sometimes it does, and your genius child winds up on the cover of science magazines. And other times, a lot of times, it doesn’t, and we all watch him fail and die.

YOU ARE THE REASON I DON'T BELIEVE IN YOU.

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