That Balls Outta Here » trade

Cole Hamels Being Shopped Around in Theory, Reports No One and Everyone

Justin Klugh — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 13:30:29 +0000

Buster Olney threatened to trade Cole Hamels (Insider required) the other day, and boy, the internet did not like the sound of it. He ran with the notion that the Phillies and Cole hadn’t been talking about his contract.

Well, la-dee-da; somebody’s parents spoke to them every day and without snorts of disappointment. Maybe if your childhood had been a tad less ideal, Buster, you’d be of use in a situation like this. Just because the Phillies and Cole aren’t talking doesn’t mean something bad is happening. They still love each other, they’re just taking the last ten years before you go to college to work up the nerve to say it.

Geeze. (more…)

Phillies Recommend Not Filling Void Left by Mike Zagurski with Food

Justin Klugh — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 19:05:20 +0000

Left-handed people are treated like royalty in baseball. If teams could, they sprout and harvest their own crops of southpaws in subterranean labs, getting them from some organic process that led to fully developed humans being birthed out of a giant gross plant or something. Any righties accidentally generated by this process would be summarily executed.

Seriously. They would do that.

My point is that Mike Zagurski’s left arm is probably why we were forced to believe in him for so long. Now, any confidence-building on Zagurski’s behalf will be done by the “crowds” in Arizona, where he is now employed by snakes. (more…)

How Michael Young Would Help and/or Ruin Everything

Justin Klugh — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 14:29:39 +0000

A talented player wants to be traded! Michael Young, an offensively threatening right-handed hitter, feels unwanted by the Rangers. Naturally, let’s pretend the Phillies are involved, because honestly, who doesn’t want to play for them right now.

The Phillies had a right-handed hitter, but he’s off making some other city develop a beard fetish. If we were to pluck our fifth starting pitcher, Joe Blanton I mean, from his perch, and offer him in a trade for Young, we’d be filling the need we lost; a need that will remain a question mark for some time.

However, Young gets us only halfway to the promised land, in that his bat rests on the right side of the plate, but his glove prefers to dance around the infield. Ideally, an outfielder is who we’d be scanning for in anything close to this situation. So is this infield of hard-burners willing to fit around another guy for his offense? (more…)