“…not cool.” Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

But when he got there he realized that he’d been had–instead of trade bait, there was Tom McCarthy in a suit; instead of a radiator, there was a forced interrogation; instead of the basement, there was 3/4 of a cozy library setting, where they would be shooting a video for the Phillies web site.

Leaving several claw marks in the door, Ruben eventually gave in and sat down to combine some of his least favorite things in the world: Answering questions, answering questions about the Phillies, appearing on film (allowing his enemies to more accurately track his movements), and doing Tom McCarthy favors.

On the plus side, we the fans got to enjoy several highly anticipated, highly PR Department-approved responses to questions we’ve all been asking.

I walked by the old Inquirer building on Broad Street and saw a cover story on the window about Chase Utley’s Knees and Whether Or Not We Should Believe Him When He Says He’s Fine and didn’t realize until later that it wasn’t current.  I mean the fact that it was hanging in the window of an abandoned building certainly was a clue.  But in my defense, I was in the traditional grips of hysteria one feels after catching a glimpse of Chase Utley.

To be fair, Chase has been giving unsolicited health updates via email, which is so uncharacteristically informative we’re basically in the Utley family picture.

Ruben was a good sport, answering questions for over 17 minutes, and updating us on our favorite heroes:

“[Chase] is feeling great, he’s feeling giddy.  He’s usually not as giddy as he is right now.

Roy just got back from a big fishing trip, he’s been working out.  He also changed his routine a little bit.  He is throwing, probably should be off the mound in another week or so.  Rich Dubee, I just got off the home with him a little while ago, said he’s doing well.  Whether he’s going to be 2009-2010 Roy Halladay remains to be seen.

Ryan Howard is getting closer and closer to 100%.  He came back maybe a little bit early from the infection.  He’s doing well, right after this season, he probably dropped about 10-15 lbs.  So we feel pretty good about these guys.”

After that, the video flickers static for a while and then all you get is white noise for the last 15 and a half minutes.

Or maybe there isn’t! You’ll just have to watch.

There isn’t.

Tom McCarthy claimed somewhere around the 6th inning that with their recent success in comeback wins, a four run deficit is “not that bad.”

“Not That Bad,” I echoed to the television.  ”Maybe that’s what they’ll call this year’s DVD yearbook.”

We also would have accepted "Well, that was disappointing."

(more…)

He's making that shaving cream handsome, somehow.

I was watching “The Chase Rolls On” tonight. Topics included Charlie Manuel’s made up language, Chase’s boring life, and abusing childhood friends with a whiffle ball.

First of all, the title.  It’s stupid.  ”The Chase Goes On,” “Chase-ing History”… these are all better.  You’re not even rhyming or changing anything; his name is a word that fits perfectly in with some punny phrase. Chase Utley isn’t known for “rolling” places and an actual “chase” doesn’t necessarily involve rolling either.  CSN is really reaching to break away from the pack, as usual, and coming across as awkward or confusing.  As usual.

Basically, you were watching Tom McCarthy jerk Chase off for 20 minutes.  The first 10 were Leslie Gudel doing the same thing, but to Tom’s credit, he was at least looking him in the eye while he did it.

“Don’t You Just Love Chase Utley?” would have also been a totally appropriate title.

If you’re losing sleep over how close we are to baseball season, I’d seek out the 30 minute interview; otherwise, it’s a totally missable special that tells you everything you’d expect.  This isn’t hard hitting journalism we’re talking about; McCarthy doesn’t grill our boy about human genocide or even steroids.  He does hit him with a “What are you favorite things to do” curveball, but then broadens it with “during or not during the season,” as if Chase would have had wildly varying responses.

And, of course, his answer to both was pretty much just “baseball.”

Separate from Comcast Sportsnet, Chase is being handed some more compliments, this time by FoxSports’ Ken Rosenthal.  Somehow, he’s gotten “more athletic,” which really, at this point, is terrifying.  This is due to the two tenths of a second he took off his 30-yard dash, thanks to some sort of Chase Utley-oriented workout program he started in SoCal over the offseason.

Keep in mind we’re talking about a guy who was 23 for 23 in stolen base attempts last season.  So, you know.  Clearly, it was a part of a game in need of improvement. One of the perfect parts.

…

Chase Utley is so good at baseball.